You're a 90's kid if:
You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCH!"
You can sing the rap to "The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air"
You know who Vanilla Ice is, and all the words to Ice, ICe, Baby.
MC Hammer had the coolest pants.
You know who the popple's are.
You know who pound puppies are.
You know which care bear had which care bear stare.
You remember when Kurt Cobain, Tu Pac, River Phoenix, and Selena died.
You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey from "Blossom" and that "How Rude!" comes from Stephanie from "Full House"
You remember when it was actually worth getting up early
on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
You remember reading "Goosebumps"
You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, wax off"
You have pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.
you danced to "wannabe" by the Spice Girls, Females: had a new motto, Males: got a whole lot gay-er. (so tell me what you want, what you really really want.)
You remember the craze then the banning of slap bracelets and slam books.
You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence...Not...
Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? was both a game and a TV game show.
Captain Planet.
You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the red* Ranger were meant to be together.
To the last sentence you said.....hey...Tommy was the green* ranger!!!!
*later to be white
When playing power rangers with friends you fought over who got to be who............and still all ended up being tommy.
You remember when super nintendo's became popular.
You remember watching home alone 1 and 2........and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders"
"I've fallen and I can't get up"
You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates
Two words... Trapper Keeper.
You ever got injured on a Slip 'n' Slide
You wore socks over leggings scrunched down
"Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack, all dressed in black, black, black, with silver buttons, buttons, buttons, all down her back, back, back" SHE ASKED HER MOTHER MOTHER MOTHER FOR FIFTY CENTS CENTS CENTS TO SEE THE ELEPHANTS PHANTS PHANTS JUMP OVER THE FENCE THE FENCE THE FENCE
he jumped so high high high he touched the sky sky sky and he didnt come back back back til the forth of july ly ly he jumped so low ow ow he stubbed his toe toe toe and thats the end end end of the elephants show show show
You remember boom boxes vs. cd players
You remember New Kids on The Block when they were cool
You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell"
You played and or collected "Pogs"
You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet or Nano and brought it everywhere
You watched the original Care Bears, My Little Pony, and Ninja Turtles
NANCY DREW AND THE HARDY BOYS WERE THE BEST MYSTERY BOOKS
Yikes pencils and erasers were the stuff!
All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.(pencils.notebooks.binders.etc.)
You remember when the new Beanie Babies were always sold out.
You used to wear those stick on earings, not only on your ears, but at the corners of your eyes.
You remember a time before the WB.
You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"
You know the Macarena by heart.
"Talk to the hand" ... enough said
You thought Brain woud finally take over the world
You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!"
You remember when everyone went slinky crazy.
You remember when razor scooters were cool.
when we were younger:
Before the MySpace frenzy.
Before the Internet & text messaging.
Before Sidekicks & iPods.
Before MIKE JONES
Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX.
Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night.
WHEN LIGHT UP SNEAKERS WERE KOOL
When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.
When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing.
When we recorded stuff on VCRs & paid $3.50 for a movie.
When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off our walkmans.
When 2Pac and Biggie where alive.
When the Chicago Bulls were the best team ever.
Way back.
Tag.
Get Over Here!!!! means something to you.
Hide-n-Go Seek at dusk.
Red Light, Green Light.
Heads Up 7 Up.
Playing Kickball & Dodgeball until your porch light came on.
SIDEWALK CHALK!!!
Hopskotch.
BUILDING FORTS!!!
Slip-n-Slides.... now there are just ghetto ones
Tree Houses.
Hula Hoops.
Reading R.L. Stine's Goose Bumps.
HELLO....HOT WHEELS!!!!!
"POWER OF LOVE" BY CELINE DION..ONLY COUPLES COULD SKATE TO THIS.
The annoying Nano Pets & Furbies.
Running through the sprinklers.
That "Little Mermaid"
Crying when Mufasa died in the Lion King.
Happy Meals where you chose a Barbie or a Hot Wheels car.
Getting the privelage to sit in the front seat of the car.
Drinking Sqeeze It "Squeeze The Fun Out Of It"
CAPRI SUN
Watching Saturday Morning Cartoons in your PJ's still wrapped up in your TMNT, Power Rangers, Barbie, Fairy Princess comforter.
Hey Arnold, Doug, Rugrats.
The original Power Rangers
Or what about:
The Secret Life of Alex Mac.
Ren & Stimpy.
Double Dare.
Rocco's Modern Life.
AAAHH!! REAL MONSTERS.
Wild & Crazy Kids.
Clarissa Explains it All.
CAMP NOWHERE
salute your shorts(CAMP ANAWANA)
Are You Afraid of the Dark?
The original cast members of all that.
Kenan & Kel.
"CITY GUYS"...ROLLW/ THE CITY GUYS
doug.
magic school bus.
Nick Arcade.
flash forward.
pete and pete.
legends of the hidden temple.
hey dude.
dinosaurs.
pinky and the brain.
Sailor Moon.
blossom.
hangin with mr.copper.
wishbone.
bill-nye the science guy.
MR RODGERS!!!!
Who could forget Snick? & Nick @ Nite with Bewitched, I Dream of Jenie, The Facts of Life & I Love Lucy.
Where everyone wanted to be in love after watching The Wonder Years.
or nick jr. with face
gulah gulah island
little bear
under the unbrella tree
PEE-WEE!!!
The Big Comfy Couch
Kool-Aid was the drink of choice.
Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school.
Class field trips.
POGS
When Christmas was the most exciting time of year.
When $5 seemed like a million, & another dollar a miracle.
When you begged to go to McDonalds for dinner everyday.
When Toys R Us overuled the mall.
Go back to the time when:
Decisions were made by going 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe'.
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming 'do over!'
'Race issue' ment arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was banker in 'Monopoly'.
It wasn't odd to have two or three 'best' friends.
Being old referred to anyone over 20.
A chance to skate as a couple at the local roller rink was like winning the lottery.
Scrapes & bruises were kissed & made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enought to ride the 'big people' rides at the fair.
When playing Nintendo was the hardest thing ever.
When Ninja Turtles ruled the world.
DID I DO THAAAAAAAAAT???
smud and yak back. skip it and pop it.
Sister Sister
Smart Guy
Arthur
when pop music started with britney spears bsb nsync christina aguilera...
Before we realized all this would eventually disappear
who would have thought youd miss the 90's so much!!!!!
20060330
The Latest
It's looking like I'm going to be taking time off from work and Grand Rapids to take a course in bartending over in Detroit. So to help me prepare, please list your favorite drinks, and how to mix them, in the comments. I have to say that my favorite is the 3 wise men.
20060324
20060323
A Psychological Study
Through my job at Meijer, I have taken great pains to study people. Both the people who shop there, and the people who work there. Here are some of the results.
As a cashier, if you want to avoid customers, the easiest way is simply to hide in plane sight. Rather than look to the lane lights to see which registers are open, customers look for cashiers at their register. So, if there are no customers in my lane, I like to go to the next lane over and bag for the cashier there. Or I'll go stand at the end of my lane which, if it isn't busy, is what we're supposed to do. As long as you don't make eye contact with the customer, they usually just pass you by.
As a customer, if you have a specific cashier in mind that you want to process your order, make a note of which lane they're own when you come in. When you finish with your shopping, look down the rows to make sure that their light is on. If it is, head straight to that lane, do not look cashiers who are standing at the end of their lane in the eye, and you won't have to say no to them when they ask if you're ready to check out.
For some odd reason, as long as you don't make eye contact, people tend to ignore you.
As a cashier, if you want to avoid customers, the easiest way is simply to hide in plane sight. Rather than look to the lane lights to see which registers are open, customers look for cashiers at their register. So, if there are no customers in my lane, I like to go to the next lane over and bag for the cashier there. Or I'll go stand at the end of my lane which, if it isn't busy, is what we're supposed to do. As long as you don't make eye contact with the customer, they usually just pass you by.
As a customer, if you have a specific cashier in mind that you want to process your order, make a note of which lane they're own when you come in. When you finish with your shopping, look down the rows to make sure that their light is on. If it is, head straight to that lane, do not look cashiers who are standing at the end of their lane in the eye, and you won't have to say no to them when they ask if you're ready to check out.
For some odd reason, as long as you don't make eye contact, people tend to ignore you.
20060320
Jeeez...
I go to make a filler post and he posts two entries in the time it takes me to go all crazy with one. Guess next time I should reload the index in mah browser BEFORE making a post.
Oh, and Ninja > Pirates. Any day.
Oh, and Ninja > Pirates. Any day.
So, um, hey!
Figured I'd make a random post about nothingness as filler for Mr. RavenCroft XIV, (PBUH).
So like, hey how's it going?
Oh, and I'm less evil than Andrew, (PBUH). Only 78%.
Did you know that vitamins are really a mind control device? That's right. A vitamin a day put little holes in your head, which is then filled by "vitamins" which are really infinitismally small microbes which gain control.
And infomercials are tools of the devil. Not just any of them, but the ones that are guaranteed to improve your life. They make it more difficult. Such as the juicers. Do you realize how much energy to could build if you were to manually juice your juice daily? On top of the energy you'd gain drinking that sludge, you'd have monster arms. They're just trying to give you more energy to watch their stupid informercials and pick up that phone.
Oh, and for something I found amusing (but you might not), my online classroom has been having technical issues. The funny part about it is their little logo at the side which claims "Leave the worrying to us". Well that's fine and dandy, since I can't do anything but wait for the worrying to affect them and finish fixing their servers. Punks.
Enough of the randomness. I have some work to complete! I'll end with a great quote from the ever wise shaman of Hollywood, Johnny Depp - "America is dumb. It's like a dumb puppy that has big teeth that can bite and hurt you, aggressive. My daughter is four, my boy is one. I'd like them to see America as a toy, a broken toy. Investigate it a little, check it out, get this feeling and then get out."
Toodaloo, and PBTB (PBUH)!
So like, hey how's it going?
Oh, and I'm less evil than Andrew, (PBUH). Only 78%.
Did you know that vitamins are really a mind control device? That's right. A vitamin a day put little holes in your head, which is then filled by "vitamins" which are really infinitismally small microbes which gain control.
And infomercials are tools of the devil. Not just any of them, but the ones that are guaranteed to improve your life. They make it more difficult. Such as the juicers. Do you realize how much energy to could build if you were to manually juice your juice daily? On top of the energy you'd gain drinking that sludge, you'd have monster arms. They're just trying to give you more energy to watch their stupid informercials and pick up that phone.
Oh, and for something I found amusing (but you might not), my online classroom has been having technical issues. The funny part about it is their little logo at the side which claims "Leave the worrying to us". Well that's fine and dandy, since I can't do anything but wait for the worrying to affect them and finish fixing their servers. Punks.
Enough of the randomness. I have some work to complete! I'll end with a great quote from the ever wise shaman of Hollywood, Johnny Depp - "America is dumb. It's like a dumb puppy that has big teeth that can bite and hurt you, aggressive. My daughter is four, my boy is one. I'd like them to see America as a toy, a broken toy. Investigate it a little, check it out, get this feeling and then get out."
Toodaloo, and PBTB (PBUH)!
Reminds Me of Elementary School
Andrew Ravencroft will have to write: |
I will not trust pirates |
'What will you have to write on the chalk board?' at QuizGalaxy.com |
But I like pirates . . . I want to be one.
I Can't Unsee It! a Public Service Announcement
Welcome to my first PSA. I guess it could be considered the second, if you take into account my ealier post about how to treat your cashiers. However, this is the first official PSA.
So spring is officially here, or close to being here, one of the two. Either way, the weather is slowly but surely starting to get warmer. I want to take this moment to say something about how you should dress in regard to this warmer weather. If you don't have the body for revealing clothing, do not wear revealing clothes. I am sick, and disturbed, to see people who are eighty, and look their age wearing clothing that was made for buxom teenagers five times younger than them. Just because you used to be really good looking, doesn't mean you still are.
For you girls who like to wear revealing clothes. Realize that if you wear the clothes, guys will check you out, and they will notice ten to twenty times more than you do about just what you are revealing. So don't take offense to us checking you out.
It should be noted, men, that you should wear clothing that is specific to your gender. Women can pull off wearing men's clothing, and in the right circumstances (sometimes the wrong circumstances), is quite sexy. However, just because it works for women, doesn't mean that it works for men. I don't care if you are gay or not, backless tops that are metalic silver in color (or any clothes with metalic colors) with skirts and high heels are not appropriet for men. I will make fun of you, and then I will tell my friends about you.
Please, this spring, please dress in a way that is flattering to your body-type.
So spring is officially here, or close to being here, one of the two. Either way, the weather is slowly but surely starting to get warmer. I want to take this moment to say something about how you should dress in regard to this warmer weather. If you don't have the body for revealing clothing, do not wear revealing clothes. I am sick, and disturbed, to see people who are eighty, and look their age wearing clothing that was made for buxom teenagers five times younger than them. Just because you used to be really good looking, doesn't mean you still are.
For you girls who like to wear revealing clothes. Realize that if you wear the clothes, guys will check you out, and they will notice ten to twenty times more than you do about just what you are revealing. So don't take offense to us checking you out.
It should be noted, men, that you should wear clothing that is specific to your gender. Women can pull off wearing men's clothing, and in the right circumstances (sometimes the wrong circumstances), is quite sexy. However, just because it works for women, doesn't mean that it works for men. I don't care if you are gay or not, backless tops that are metalic silver in color (or any clothes with metalic colors) with skirts and high heels are not appropriet for men. I will make fun of you, and then I will tell my friends about you.
Please, this spring, please dress in a way that is flattering to your body-type.
20060317
The Job Search Sucks.
So it's been about 3 months, maybe closer to 4 now that I've been searching. I've had two phone interviews, and one in person interview. I've put out over 200 resumes. I still have no job.
It's been a mixed bag, being at home all the time. I get a lot more time to spend with my wife and children, which is excellent since the last job I had limited that at times due to the overtime I worked. The negative is that I feel like I'm not doing enough. Going to work and getting tasks completed is now a missing piece.
Not that I just sit around all day twidling my thumbs. I've been doing school work, which takes a lot of time up with the classes I have now. Also been sharpening my skill set, learning Python, advanced bash scripting and random other techno studies. I've also been working on my basement, trying to tear out some old tounge and groove board walls to do some repairs and remodeling. Lately I've found myself working with my martial arts instructor to remodel what will become our dojo. And while the later may turn into a secondary income working in the dojo (on both the administrative and instructor sides), I'm not getting an income right now, aside from unemployment.
I have been offered a chance for a job, not exactly what I've ever pictured myself doing, selling Aflac. From the people I know who do, or had and now retired from, selling Aflac it can be a great business. You can work your own schedule, giving yourself time for family and play, while still making a good living. On the flip side is the fact that you really have to hustle and be out there selling. So I think I'm going to try it out...
...At least until I finish this degree for a silly piece of paper. It seems everyone wants you to have one, regardless of your knowledge and/or skill set.
It's been a mixed bag, being at home all the time. I get a lot more time to spend with my wife and children, which is excellent since the last job I had limited that at times due to the overtime I worked. The negative is that I feel like I'm not doing enough. Going to work and getting tasks completed is now a missing piece.
Not that I just sit around all day twidling my thumbs. I've been doing school work, which takes a lot of time up with the classes I have now. Also been sharpening my skill set, learning Python, advanced bash scripting and random other techno studies. I've also been working on my basement, trying to tear out some old tounge and groove board walls to do some repairs and remodeling. Lately I've found myself working with my martial arts instructor to remodel what will become our dojo. And while the later may turn into a secondary income working in the dojo (on both the administrative and instructor sides), I'm not getting an income right now, aside from unemployment.
I have been offered a chance for a job, not exactly what I've ever pictured myself doing, selling Aflac. From the people I know who do, or had and now retired from, selling Aflac it can be a great business. You can work your own schedule, giving yourself time for family and play, while still making a good living. On the flip side is the fact that you really have to hustle and be out there selling. So I think I'm going to try it out...
...At least until I finish this degree for a silly piece of paper. It seems everyone wants you to have one, regardless of your knowledge and/or skill set.
20060316
I love when people think me a fool. It means they underestimate me
Which Tarot Card Are You?
You are the Fool card. The Fool fearlessly begins the journey into the unknown. To do this, he does not regard the world he knows as firm and fixed. He has a seemingly reckless disregard for obstacles. In the Ryder-Waite deck, he is seen stepping off a cliff with his gaze on the sky, and a rainbow is there to catch him. In order to explore and expand, one must disregard convention and conformity. Those in the throes of convention look at the unconventional, non-conformist personality and think What a fool. They lack the point of view to understand The Fool's actions. But The Fool has roots in tradition as one who is closest to the spirit world. In many tribal cultures, those born with strange and unusual character traits were held in awe. Shamans were people who could see visions and go on journeys that we now label hallucinations and schizophrenia. Those with physical differences had experience and knowledge that the average person could not understand. The Fool is God. The number of the card is zero, which when drawn is a perfect circle. This circle represents both emptiness and infinity. The Fool is not shackled by mountains and valleys or by his physical body. He does not accept the appearance of cliff and air as being distinct or real. Image from: Mary DeLave http://www.marydelave.com/
Take this quiz!
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20060312
Should I be proud, or upset?
| You Are 98% Evil |
 You're the most evil person you know. The devil is even a little scared of you! |
Gotta wonder how belief in God has anything to do with being evil. Frell, the demons believe and they tremble. and the whole gun thing-- it should have been: "I've killed in cold blood, and liked it."
and yes, I do want to rule the world. By seeking world dominion, I'm merely seeking world peace along a different path.
20060307
Contraversy
I came across this article while browsing my home page today. South Dakota Governor Mike Rounds has signed legislation that would make it a crime for a doctor to perform an abortion if they can't prove that the procedure was neccessary to save the woman's life.
The thing I never understood though, is this: Why doesn't the man get a say in whether or not the woman gets an abortion, but if she chooses to have the child, he automatically has to pay child support. I was told once that, "a woman has the right to do with her body whatever she chooses." or some such bull shite. Well, first of all, the baby has seperate DNA from the mother, that kind of leads me to believe that that isn't her body. and secondly, I don't see how that arguement holds sway in my orginal statement about the guy paying child support.
Now don't get me wrong, I am in favor of child support, and I am against abortion. It just seems like the law, in this area, is quite sexist.
The thing I never understood though, is this: Why doesn't the man get a say in whether or not the woman gets an abortion, but if she chooses to have the child, he automatically has to pay child support. I was told once that, "a woman has the right to do with her body whatever she chooses." or some such bull shite. Well, first of all, the baby has seperate DNA from the mother, that kind of leads me to believe that that isn't her body. and secondly, I don't see how that arguement holds sway in my orginal statement about the guy paying child support.
Now don't get me wrong, I am in favor of child support, and I am against abortion. It just seems like the law, in this area, is quite sexist.
20060228
Like I need a freakin' title
there's going to be a couple of changes to the blog. I've been somewhat busy trying to locate a new job, or a second job, and haven't really had time to post.
My mother sent this to me in an email, having forgotten that she had sent this to me a few years ago. Some of you will have seen this, but I'm going to include it here as its just that funny.
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here
My mother sent this to me in an email, having forgotten that she had sent this to me a few years ago. Some of you will have seen this, but I'm going to include it here as its just that funny.
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here
20060227
I Know You're In There, I Can Hear You Caring
Caring more than you should isn't a weakness. It is a strength. Jesus cared more than he should, that's why he died for us. The thing to remember is that while we (Christians) are called to be like Jesus, we (again, Christians) are not called to be Jesus. This is something I've been trying to work through myself, and here are some things I've come up with, don't know if it will help at all.
Because we care, we want to do everything we possibly can to help those people we care about. It is extremely hard to watch someone do the things or be affected by things that we believe are wrong. It doesn't seem enough to simply love the other person. It becomes even harder when it's a young child that is going to be affected most by it.
It takes a great deal of patience to be in these types of situations if you're going to be involved with them in any way. It also means that you must have someone or some thing who can help you to relieve the stress that you're going to come into contact with. In the case of someone, they must be someone who can remain impartial to the situation.
While it may not feel like enough to simply love that person, it actually is. It is okay to care more than you should, but it's another thing entirely to get involved more than you should.
Because we care, we want to do everything we possibly can to help those people we care about. It is extremely hard to watch someone do the things or be affected by things that we believe are wrong. It doesn't seem enough to simply love the other person. It becomes even harder when it's a young child that is going to be affected most by it.
It takes a great deal of patience to be in these types of situations if you're going to be involved with them in any way. It also means that you must have someone or some thing who can help you to relieve the stress that you're going to come into contact with. In the case of someone, they must be someone who can remain impartial to the situation.
While it may not feel like enough to simply love that person, it actually is. It is okay to care more than you should, but it's another thing entirely to get involved more than you should.
20060222
Filler
Okay, I'm currently working on a secret project, but I'm not yet ready to show it to the rest of the world. (it isn't finished yet.) So until then, I'm posting some quotes from one of my favorite television shows. my favorites are bolded.
House-isms:
Wilson – “How'd you get here?”
House – “By osmosis.”
- Skin Deep
“Catfight and cataplexy on the catwalk. Cool.”
- Skin Deep
Cameron – “What are you looking for?”
House – “Same as you. Love, acceptance, a solid return in investment.”
- Distractions
Weber – “You can’t test anything on an abnormal brain.”
House – “That’s so close-minded, He’s not ‘abnormal.’ He’s special.”
- Distractions
Cameron – “Could pain medication cause an orgasm?”
House – “I wish.”
- Distractions
Cameron – “His brain is like a waiter that’s got too many…”
House – “Hey! I do the metaphors.”
- Distractions
“Wow. It's a big jump from ‘Infidelity is wrong’ to ‘Do her.’”
- Need to Know
“Mommy does everything for her family these days. Even swallows their pills.”
- Need to Know
Chase – “We’ve got an MRI scheduled in twenty minutes. Earliest Foreman could get the machine.”
House – “I teach you to lie and cheat and steal and the second my back is turned you wait in line!”
- Failure to Communicate
Wilson – “Did you know your phone is dead? Do you ever recharge the batteries?”
House – “They recharge? I just keep buying new phones.”
- Failure to Communicate
Foreman – “She a regular at OTB. Somehow I don't see her holding down a nine-to-five and going to PTA meetings.”
House – “I was there and I have a nine-to-three job.”
- Deception
“What else turns you on? Drugs? Casual sex? Rough sex? Casual rough sex? I'm a doctor, I need to know.”
- Deception
“Sorry I missed that. White count’s been down since the Ricky Martin concert. Some cholo kicked me in the head.”
- Deception
Stacy – “Where’s Chase?”
House – “He’s too busy to service you until after work. I’ve got a few minutes, though. Feel free to say something like, ‘What’ll we do with the time left over?’”
- The Mistake
“One caveat: I’ve now moved past threesomes. I’m into foursomes.”
- The Mistake
“Steve McQueen without hair? It's a blessing he died young.”
- Hunting
“Dying people lie too. Wish they’d worked less, been nicer, opened orphanages for kittens. If you really want to do something, you do it. You don’t save it for a sound bite.”
- Hunting
“You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a… I can’t think of a non-sexual metaphor.”
- Spin
“What makes a guy start drooling? Chase, were you wearing your short-shorts?”
- Spin
Cameron – “Who was that?”
House – “Angelina Jolie. I call her mom. Who thinks that’s sexy?”- Daddy’s Boy
Foreman – “You have no evidence to support a poisoning diagnosis.”
House – “Which is why it’s going to be so cool when I turn out to be right.”
- Daddy’s Boy
“You -- Intravenous broad spectrum antibiotics. You -- Get cervical, thoracic and lumbar T2 weighted fast spin echo MRIs. And you -- Track down all the other Richie Riches who went to Jamaica. See if any of them have the shocks, the trots or the hots.”
- Daddy’s Boy
“Welcome aboard the good ship ass kisser. Nice day for a sail.”
- TB Or Not TB
“You ever notice all of the self-sacrificing women in history, Joan of Arc, Mother Theresa…can’t think of any others, they all die alone. Men, on the other hand, get so much tang it’s crazy.”
- TB Or Not TB
“If I tried a scheme like this, you’d get that nasty wrinkly face and screech like a hyena. Very sexy, I admit.”
- Humpty Dumpty
“Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven’t slept with. I am that good.”- Humpty Dumpty
“I’m happy to report that we are now so in sync, we’re actually wearing each other’s underwear.”
- Humpty Dumpty
“Union rules. I can’t check out this guy’s seeping gonorrhea this close to lunch.”
- Autopsy
Chase – “If she’s never kissed a boy, it’s a fair bet she’s never had sex.”
House – “Tell that to all the hookers who won’t kiss me on the mouth.”
- Autopsy
“Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?”
- Autopsy
“What’s with hiring a male secretary? J-Date not working out?”
- Acceptance
“Talk to Cuddy. She’s got me going to Mercer State Prison, Capital Sentences Unit. She’s trying to impress her new sex-retary.”
- Acceptance
Stacy – “If you didn’t want me working here, why didn’t you just say so?”
House – “I don’t want you working right here. In my office. But anywhere else in the building is fine. It’s a really big hospital.”
- Acceptance
Foreman – “Blood gas came back with a pH of 7.28, and a decreased HCO3.”
House – “Which means two things. Most importantly, Cameron was wrong about the bi-carb. Less significantly, we have a brand new symptom. Who’s chubby?”
- Acceptance
House-isms:
Wilson – “How'd you get here?”
House – “By osmosis.”
- Skin Deep
“Catfight and cataplexy on the catwalk. Cool.”
- Skin Deep
Cameron – “What are you looking for?”
House – “Same as you. Love, acceptance, a solid return in investment.”
- Distractions
Weber – “You can’t test anything on an abnormal brain.”
House – “That’s so close-minded, He’s not ‘abnormal.’ He’s special.”
- Distractions
Cameron – “Could pain medication cause an orgasm?”
House – “I wish.”
- Distractions
Cameron – “His brain is like a waiter that’s got too many…”
House – “Hey! I do the metaphors.”
- Distractions
“Wow. It's a big jump from ‘Infidelity is wrong’ to ‘Do her.’”
- Need to Know
“Mommy does everything for her family these days. Even swallows their pills.”
- Need to Know
Chase – “We’ve got an MRI scheduled in twenty minutes. Earliest Foreman could get the machine.”
House – “I teach you to lie and cheat and steal and the second my back is turned you wait in line!”
- Failure to Communicate
Wilson – “Did you know your phone is dead? Do you ever recharge the batteries?”
House – “They recharge? I just keep buying new phones.”
- Failure to Communicate
Foreman – “She a regular at OTB. Somehow I don't see her holding down a nine-to-five and going to PTA meetings.”
House – “I was there and I have a nine-to-three job.”
- Deception
“What else turns you on? Drugs? Casual sex? Rough sex? Casual rough sex? I'm a doctor, I need to know.”
- Deception
“Sorry I missed that. White count’s been down since the Ricky Martin concert. Some cholo kicked me in the head.”
- Deception
Stacy – “Where’s Chase?”
House – “He’s too busy to service you until after work. I’ve got a few minutes, though. Feel free to say something like, ‘What’ll we do with the time left over?’”
- The Mistake
“One caveat: I’ve now moved past threesomes. I’m into foursomes.”
- The Mistake
“Steve McQueen without hair? It's a blessing he died young.”
- Hunting
“Dying people lie too. Wish they’d worked less, been nicer, opened orphanages for kittens. If you really want to do something, you do it. You don’t save it for a sound bite.”
- Hunting
“You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a… I can’t think of a non-sexual metaphor.”
- Spin
“What makes a guy start drooling? Chase, were you wearing your short-shorts?”
- Spin
Cameron – “Who was that?”
House – “Angelina Jolie. I call her mom. Who thinks that’s sexy?”- Daddy’s Boy
Foreman – “You have no evidence to support a poisoning diagnosis.”
House – “Which is why it’s going to be so cool when I turn out to be right.”
- Daddy’s Boy
“You -- Intravenous broad spectrum antibiotics. You -- Get cervical, thoracic and lumbar T2 weighted fast spin echo MRIs. And you -- Track down all the other Richie Riches who went to Jamaica. See if any of them have the shocks, the trots or the hots.”
- Daddy’s Boy
“Welcome aboard the good ship ass kisser. Nice day for a sail.”
- TB Or Not TB
“You ever notice all of the self-sacrificing women in history, Joan of Arc, Mother Theresa…can’t think of any others, they all die alone. Men, on the other hand, get so much tang it’s crazy.”
- TB Or Not TB
“If I tried a scheme like this, you’d get that nasty wrinkly face and screech like a hyena. Very sexy, I admit.”
- Humpty Dumpty
“Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven’t slept with. I am that good.”- Humpty Dumpty
“I’m happy to report that we are now so in sync, we’re actually wearing each other’s underwear.”
- Humpty Dumpty
“Union rules. I can’t check out this guy’s seeping gonorrhea this close to lunch.”
- Autopsy
Chase – “If she’s never kissed a boy, it’s a fair bet she’s never had sex.”
House – “Tell that to all the hookers who won’t kiss me on the mouth.”
- Autopsy
“Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?”
- Autopsy
“What’s with hiring a male secretary? J-Date not working out?”
- Acceptance
“Talk to Cuddy. She’s got me going to Mercer State Prison, Capital Sentences Unit. She’s trying to impress her new sex-retary.”
- Acceptance
Stacy – “If you didn’t want me working here, why didn’t you just say so?”
House – “I don’t want you working right here. In my office. But anywhere else in the building is fine. It’s a really big hospital.”
- Acceptance
Foreman – “Blood gas came back with a pH of 7.28, and a decreased HCO3.”
House – “Which means two things. Most importantly, Cameron was wrong about the bi-carb. Less significantly, we have a brand new symptom. Who’s chubby?”
- Acceptance
20060214
Cheney: Fun & Funny
Not sure if anyone else saw the Daily Show last night, but I found their skit on Cheney absolutely funny. You can view it here. While it was an unfortunate accident, you had to know it would be spun into a 'Vice-President is a rabid killer' kind of commentary.
20060210
Xanth Movie News
In doing some research, I've found out that Warner Pictures has the movie rights for the first book in Piers Anthony's Xanth trilogy. Filming could begin as early as this summer. For those who don't know, Warner Pictures has also done the Harry Potter series. After seeing the fourth Movie (he hasn't read the books) he expressed some fears as to them not being able to do justice to his book.
20060208
Important Rules to Remember
These are just some of those rules that can help you if you know how to use them properly.
People Are Stupid.
People will believe a lie because they want it to be true. Also, people will believe a lie because they are afraid it might be true.
A more harmless example would be that if you bought a lotto ticket, but missed the drawing, and I saw the drawing, and I told them that the winning numbers were your numbers, you would likely believe me because you want it to be true. Or to use the other end of it, if a friend was traveling through really bad weather to visit us, and the phone rang, and you told me that the call was from the friend, and they had gotten into a really bad accident, I would likely believe you because I was afraid that it could be true.
The greatest harm can result from the best intentions.
This is another way to say that the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.
An example of this, would be that if you and two friends were sight seeing at the Grand Canyon, and your friends, being the guys that they are, start wrestling around right near the edge, and ultimately end up hanging precariously on the edge right next to each other. You grab both of their hands at once, but lacking the strength to pull them both up, they're collective weight pulls you down with them, and all three of you fall to your death.
That's what makes this a difficult rule to use-- you aren't likely to know your violating it until it's too late.
Passion Rules Reason.
In the heat of the moment, our hearts (emotion) will cause you to forget how to properly think through a situation.
For this one, I'm going to use a quote from Larry the Cable Guy: "I believe that guns don't kill people, husbands that come home early do."
There is healing in sincere forgiveness.
it's healing of the soul. In the forgiveness you receive, but more so in the forgiveness you give.
Has someone ever wronged you? Nothing small, but really wronged you, like, stuff that could cause a brothers to think of each other as dead. Or people who were best friends for years to just end the friendship. If you don't let go and forgive, it will eat away at your soul, and ultimately affect the rest of your life. Once you do, it will feel as if the weight of the world is gone from your shoulders.
Mind what people do, not only what they say, for deeds will betray a lie.
Another way to say that Actions speak louder than words. Don't take someone's word for granted.
No example needed.
Life is the future, not the past.
Don't focus on the past, focus on the here and now while making preparations for the future.
You can't walk through life backwards, or you'll end up tripping.
People Are Stupid.
People will believe a lie because they want it to be true. Also, people will believe a lie because they are afraid it might be true.
A more harmless example would be that if you bought a lotto ticket, but missed the drawing, and I saw the drawing, and I told them that the winning numbers were your numbers, you would likely believe me because you want it to be true. Or to use the other end of it, if a friend was traveling through really bad weather to visit us, and the phone rang, and you told me that the call was from the friend, and they had gotten into a really bad accident, I would likely believe you because I was afraid that it could be true.
The greatest harm can result from the best intentions.
This is another way to say that the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.
An example of this, would be that if you and two friends were sight seeing at the Grand Canyon, and your friends, being the guys that they are, start wrestling around right near the edge, and ultimately end up hanging precariously on the edge right next to each other. You grab both of their hands at once, but lacking the strength to pull them both up, they're collective weight pulls you down with them, and all three of you fall to your death.
That's what makes this a difficult rule to use-- you aren't likely to know your violating it until it's too late.
Passion Rules Reason.
In the heat of the moment, our hearts (emotion) will cause you to forget how to properly think through a situation.
For this one, I'm going to use a quote from Larry the Cable Guy: "I believe that guns don't kill people, husbands that come home early do."
There is healing in sincere forgiveness.
it's healing of the soul. In the forgiveness you receive, but more so in the forgiveness you give.
Has someone ever wronged you? Nothing small, but really wronged you, like, stuff that could cause a brothers to think of each other as dead. Or people who were best friends for years to just end the friendship. If you don't let go and forgive, it will eat away at your soul, and ultimately affect the rest of your life. Once you do, it will feel as if the weight of the world is gone from your shoulders.
Mind what people do, not only what they say, for deeds will betray a lie.
Another way to say that Actions speak louder than words. Don't take someone's word for granted.
No example needed.
Life is the future, not the past.
Don't focus on the past, focus on the here and now while making preparations for the future.
You can't walk through life backwards, or you'll end up tripping.
20060129
A story about a bunny
Here's a song I haven't heard in forever. I liked it as a child, and now I laugh at the thought of me doing this for my kids some day. I can't picture myself doing it, but I know I will at some point. That point being a time when none of my friends are around, and the wife is out doing wife things.
Little Bunny Foo Foo,
Hopping through the forest
Scooping up the field mice
And boppin' 'em on the head
Down came the good fairy and she said
"Little Bunny Foo Foo,
I don't want to see you
Scooping up the field mice
And boppin' 'em on the head.
I'll give you three chances,
And if you don't behave
I'll turn you into a goon!"
The next day:
Little Bunny Foo Foo,
Hopping through the forest
Scooping up the field mice
And boppin' 'em on the head
Down came the good fairy and she said
"Little Bunny Foo Foo,
I don't want to see you
Scooping up the field mice
And boppin' 'em on the head.
I'll give you two more chances,
And if you don't behave
I'll turn you into a goon!"
The next day:
Little Bunny Foo Foo,
Hopping through the forest
Scooping up the field mice
And boppin' 'em on the head
Down came the good fairy and she said
"Little Bunny Foo Foo,
I don't want to see you
Scooping up the field mice
And boppin' 'em on the head.
I'll give you one more chance,
And if you don't behave
I'll turn you into a goon!"
The next day:
Little Bunny Foo Foo,
Hopping through the forest
Scooping up the field mice
And boppin' 'em on the head
Down came the good fairy and she said
"Little Bunny Foo Foo,
I don't want to see you
Scooping up the field mice
And boppin' 'em on the head.
I gave you three chances
And you didn't behave
Now you're a goon! POOF!!"
Little Bunny Foo Foo,
Hopping through the forest
Scooping up the field mice
And boppin' 'em on the head
Down came the good fairy and she said
"Little Bunny Foo Foo,
I don't want to see you
Scooping up the field mice
And boppin' 'em on the head.
I'll give you three chances,
And if you don't behave
I'll turn you into a goon!"
The next day:
Little Bunny Foo Foo,
Hopping through the forest
Scooping up the field mice
And boppin' 'em on the head
Down came the good fairy and she said
"Little Bunny Foo Foo,
I don't want to see you
Scooping up the field mice
And boppin' 'em on the head.
I'll give you two more chances,
And if you don't behave
I'll turn you into a goon!"
The next day:
Little Bunny Foo Foo,
Hopping through the forest
Scooping up the field mice
And boppin' 'em on the head
Down came the good fairy and she said
"Little Bunny Foo Foo,
I don't want to see you
Scooping up the field mice
And boppin' 'em on the head.
I'll give you one more chance,
And if you don't behave
I'll turn you into a goon!"
The next day:
Little Bunny Foo Foo,
Hopping through the forest
Scooping up the field mice
And boppin' 'em on the head
Down came the good fairy and she said
"Little Bunny Foo Foo,
I don't want to see you
Scooping up the field mice
And boppin' 'em on the head.
I gave you three chances
And you didn't behave
Now you're a goon! POOF!!"
20060126
The Lastest News for Weird Al
So in doing some research, I've found out the Weird Al has finished recording and mixing the first six songs on his next album.
Truck Update
So I took my truck into the shop, and got an estimate. Its going to be $1,000+ to fix the thing. In the meantime I'm driving a rental, atleast its American. Its a Chevy Malibu. It looks nice, but I prefer my truck, and I'll be glad to get it back. Tomorrow I go in to schedule my court date. Overall, I miss being in the south.
20060122
20060121
Trucks are Tough
I got into my first accident last night. (Well, first accident that had to be reported.) Completely ruined the bumper of the car I hit. Plastic bumbers just aren't the good. I wasn't going fast enough for my airbags to deploy, and so far my truck only seems to have some cosmetic damage, namely the front bumper got dented. Although I didn't announce this at the start, no one was hurt in the accident. I wasn't driving wrecklessly, and I was actually being a good driver. It was snowing bad, and my truck lost control. I did everything I could think of to stop it, but the truck insisted on still going. I hit the rear of their car. (They had apparrently previously lost control of their car [I hadn't seen this] and were likely recovering from the shock of that, only to have a truck hit them.
The Policeman who showed up ended up giving me a ticket for "Failed to stop in clear assured distance." The ticket no where mentions that the road was icey. nor does it mention that it (the accident) was on a semi-steep downhill road, so that I hit them coming from above, my truck literally slid the thirty feet to hit them. I'm going to fight this ticket, anyone know what kind of chances I have?
The Policeman who showed up ended up giving me a ticket for "Failed to stop in clear assured distance." The ticket no where mentions that the road was icey. nor does it mention that it (the accident) was on a semi-steep downhill road, so that I hit them coming from above, my truck literally slid the thirty feet to hit them. I'm going to fight this ticket, anyone know what kind of chances I have?
20060117
Answering some questions
This will be added to as more questions are asked.
Question: If a cashier does a particularly polite and efficient job and I inform the manager of this, will it do any good?
I've done this a few times, and I hope the compliment got passed along.
- Harvey
It all depends on the manager. In some cases, the manager gave me a $5.00 gift card to the store, in others, I didn't find out about it until a week later and from a co-worker who was related to them.
"Mebbe not 'free', but I always say 'It's a nickel.' If it doesn't scan, it's a nickel, right?"
- _Jon
Usually, if an item doesn't scan, if the customer doesn't do the stupid line about it being free, I'll give it to them for a reduced price, usally about 99 cents, unless I think that price is too much. I adjust the price depending on the item and how much I like the customer.
Question: If a cashier does a particularly polite and efficient job and I inform the manager of this, will it do any good?
I've done this a few times, and I hope the compliment got passed along.
- Harvey
It all depends on the manager. In some cases, the manager gave me a $5.00 gift card to the store, in others, I didn't find out about it until a week later and from a co-worker who was related to them.
"Mebbe not 'free', but I always say 'It's a nickel.' If it doesn't scan, it's a nickel, right?"
- _Jon
Usually, if an item doesn't scan, if the customer doesn't do the stupid line about it being free, I'll give it to them for a reduced price, usally about 99 cents, unless I think that price is too much. I adjust the price depending on the item and how much I like the customer.
20060113
Cashier Has Authority To Solve All Problems With A Ten Gauge
I’ve decided to become a teacher of sorts. Today you are going how to be a proper customer in a retail store. I’ve had it with stupid customers who come into my lane, and as we are not yet at a point where Cashiers and other “Customer Service Representatives” can solve any problems that arise with a shotgun (This will change when I rule the world. [Mandatory safety classes and IQ tests must be passed before one can become a Customer Service Rep.] ) I have therefore decided that it is high time we had a customer training pamphlet.
Unloading the Cart~
When unloading your cart, please keep all of your like items together as you place them on the belt. You don’t want your bread placed in a bag with your heavy, bulky, and non-yielding cans, as that would crush your bread, so why would you place one loaf of bread in the middle of your placement of cans? You know that dozen eggs you’re buying? Place the bread on top of that, then, when it gets bagged, you’ll know where both the eggs and the bread are, and they won’t get lost in the process of ringing you up. Keeping all your like items together also serves to keep your cashier from having to stand on tip-toes and reach halfway across the lane just so they can put another item into the bag. To spell it out: meat goes with other meat, dairy with other dairy, frozen with other frozen or cold items, keep the crushable items with the other crushable items. Keep in mind that you may not have a cashier in the prime of their shift. They may have just started, in which case they need time to get into cashier mode, or they could be just ending a shift, in which case their brain is fried from dealing with stupid people all day, so the less they have to think about what’s already in the bag, the less likely they are to make a mistake and put the watermelon on top of the birthday cake you special ordered for your kid from the bakery because you were too damned lazy to bake one yourself.
Requesting Special Bags~
This one is simple. If you want your things put into paper bags, use this question: “May I have my order bagged in paper please?” (Be friendly, remember, you don’t know how many idiots we’ve had to deal with already, so you don’t know how close we are to the point where we just go retail.) Do not ask to have your things placed in bags, we all ready do that for you, so be specific. “Paper bags” and don’t call them brown bags either, they are paper bags, so that‘s what you should ask for. Also, don’t wait until your order is halfway finished (or completely finished) and give us the, “Oh, I wanted paper bags,” crap. Also, most cashiers hate bagging paper, so if they’re doing a good job, let them know, it’ll help brighten their day.
If you have brought your own bags, be they paper or cloth, let us know in advance. If they’re cloth bags, understand that things are going to go a little slower, as cloth bags have no support and its hard to hold them open and scan items at the same time.
If you want bags to be packed lightly, let us know, and don’t get mad at us if the bag is still too heavy (unless its obvious, like twenty cans in a bag) what’s light for us might still be too heavy for you, so it takes a little trial and error for the first couple of bags.
The Scanning Of The Items~
Okay, lets say that the Cashier is going a little slow with the scanning. The likely thing is that either they’re new to being a cashier, or they’re tired. In either case, yelling at them to go faster isn’t going to help you. It may increase their speed a little, but it increases the likelihood that an item, usually glass, will “accidentally” fall onto the ground and smash into many pieces of possibly lethal shrapnel. This will in turn mean that you then have to wait while someone goes back and gets you a replacement for that item. Usually this item is a rather expensive wine. Also, if the slow bagging is bugging you because “you have other things you need to do today,” then you should have re-thought what order you did things in. Grociery shopping takes time, and if you have a particularly large order, it takes a while to process the order. Then you have to drive home and unload everything. Grocery shopping should be done as the last thing you have to do before you go home for the night.
Loading the Cart~
A few grocery stores still employ baggers to bag your groceries and load your cart. Some will even have baggers who are there specifically to take the groceries to your car, and load the car for you. However, stores like Meijer and Walmart now employ a system called scan and bag, in which the cashier does everything from scan the items to bagging it. They will also load your cart for you, however, this takes time, especially if you have a large order. The easiest thing is if you load the cart yourself. The benefits of this is that you will know that your eggs aren’t in a danger zone inside the cart. Also, if you have requested that your bags be light, because you can’t lift much, loading the cart yourself will tell you in advance which bags you can lift, and which need to be redistributed into other bags or into their own bags. (My favorite are the people who want light bags because of a bad back, but have no trouble getting the 50 lbs. bag of dog food onto the belt.)
Price Discrepancies and items that don’t scan~
Okay, you think an item is supposed to be priced differently than how it shows on the screen. Be courteous to the cashier, “You know, I think that that item was on sale.” or “I’m pretty sure that the tag has a lower price.” If you are nice about it, the likelihood is that the cashier will give you the item for the lower amount, even if that item isn’t on sale and is correctly labeled. Being rude is a sure way to keeping the price at the current amount.
If an item doesn’t scan, don’t say anything like, “Oh, it didn’t scan, it must be free.” This was never funny, and is indeed quite annoying to a cashier. Nothing is free. Not even air. Air has pollution in it, so you’re still paying some kind of price.
Clothing~
If you don’t want to put your clothes on the belt because “they’ll get dirty,” that’s fine, but don’t hand the clothes to us all at once. Hand the clothes to the cashier one at a time so that they can scan and bag them easily. I’ve noticed that a lot of the customers who do this will place their produce items directly onto the belt without having them in a produce bag first, I don’t think they realize just how nasty these belts are. We don’t clean them efficiently until after midnight. I just hope they wash the stuff before eating it.
Cards and Coupons~
If you have coupons, don’t hand them to the cashier one at a time, hand them to the cashier all at once.
If you have a store issued card that gives you savings, or goes to charity, hand it to the cashier to scan, don’t reach around and scan it yourself. Its an invasion of personal space. We all have our little bubbles that we don’t like invaded by strangers, so stay out of mine.
This is all for now. If you have any questions about how you can become a better customer, feel free to ask them in the comments, and I’ll answer them at a later date. Also, please pass word of this post as far and wide as you can, so that many can learn how to be a propper customer. Copy and Paste it into your own blog (give me credit though!!!) or print it out all over the work place.
Unloading the Cart~
When unloading your cart, please keep all of your like items together as you place them on the belt. You don’t want your bread placed in a bag with your heavy, bulky, and non-yielding cans, as that would crush your bread, so why would you place one loaf of bread in the middle of your placement of cans? You know that dozen eggs you’re buying? Place the bread on top of that, then, when it gets bagged, you’ll know where both the eggs and the bread are, and they won’t get lost in the process of ringing you up. Keeping all your like items together also serves to keep your cashier from having to stand on tip-toes and reach halfway across the lane just so they can put another item into the bag. To spell it out: meat goes with other meat, dairy with other dairy, frozen with other frozen or cold items, keep the crushable items with the other crushable items. Keep in mind that you may not have a cashier in the prime of their shift. They may have just started, in which case they need time to get into cashier mode, or they could be just ending a shift, in which case their brain is fried from dealing with stupid people all day, so the less they have to think about what’s already in the bag, the less likely they are to make a mistake and put the watermelon on top of the birthday cake you special ordered for your kid from the bakery because you were too damned lazy to bake one yourself.
Requesting Special Bags~
This one is simple. If you want your things put into paper bags, use this question: “May I have my order bagged in paper please?” (Be friendly, remember, you don’t know how many idiots we’ve had to deal with already, so you don’t know how close we are to the point where we just go retail.) Do not ask to have your things placed in bags, we all ready do that for you, so be specific. “Paper bags” and don’t call them brown bags either, they are paper bags, so that‘s what you should ask for. Also, don’t wait until your order is halfway finished (or completely finished) and give us the, “Oh, I wanted paper bags,” crap. Also, most cashiers hate bagging paper, so if they’re doing a good job, let them know, it’ll help brighten their day.
If you have brought your own bags, be they paper or cloth, let us know in advance. If they’re cloth bags, understand that things are going to go a little slower, as cloth bags have no support and its hard to hold them open and scan items at the same time.
If you want bags to be packed lightly, let us know, and don’t get mad at us if the bag is still too heavy (unless its obvious, like twenty cans in a bag) what’s light for us might still be too heavy for you, so it takes a little trial and error for the first couple of bags.
The Scanning Of The Items~
Okay, lets say that the Cashier is going a little slow with the scanning. The likely thing is that either they’re new to being a cashier, or they’re tired. In either case, yelling at them to go faster isn’t going to help you. It may increase their speed a little, but it increases the likelihood that an item, usually glass, will “accidentally” fall onto the ground and smash into many pieces of possibly lethal shrapnel. This will in turn mean that you then have to wait while someone goes back and gets you a replacement for that item. Usually this item is a rather expensive wine. Also, if the slow bagging is bugging you because “you have other things you need to do today,” then you should have re-thought what order you did things in. Grociery shopping takes time, and if you have a particularly large order, it takes a while to process the order. Then you have to drive home and unload everything. Grocery shopping should be done as the last thing you have to do before you go home for the night.
Loading the Cart~
A few grocery stores still employ baggers to bag your groceries and load your cart. Some will even have baggers who are there specifically to take the groceries to your car, and load the car for you. However, stores like Meijer and Walmart now employ a system called scan and bag, in which the cashier does everything from scan the items to bagging it. They will also load your cart for you, however, this takes time, especially if you have a large order. The easiest thing is if you load the cart yourself. The benefits of this is that you will know that your eggs aren’t in a danger zone inside the cart. Also, if you have requested that your bags be light, because you can’t lift much, loading the cart yourself will tell you in advance which bags you can lift, and which need to be redistributed into other bags or into their own bags. (My favorite are the people who want light bags because of a bad back, but have no trouble getting the 50 lbs. bag of dog food onto the belt.)
Price Discrepancies and items that don’t scan~
Okay, you think an item is supposed to be priced differently than how it shows on the screen. Be courteous to the cashier, “You know, I think that that item was on sale.” or “I’m pretty sure that the tag has a lower price.” If you are nice about it, the likelihood is that the cashier will give you the item for the lower amount, even if that item isn’t on sale and is correctly labeled. Being rude is a sure way to keeping the price at the current amount.
If an item doesn’t scan, don’t say anything like, “Oh, it didn’t scan, it must be free.” This was never funny, and is indeed quite annoying to a cashier. Nothing is free. Not even air. Air has pollution in it, so you’re still paying some kind of price.
Clothing~
If you don’t want to put your clothes on the belt because “they’ll get dirty,” that’s fine, but don’t hand the clothes to us all at once. Hand the clothes to the cashier one at a time so that they can scan and bag them easily. I’ve noticed that a lot of the customers who do this will place their produce items directly onto the belt without having them in a produce bag first, I don’t think they realize just how nasty these belts are. We don’t clean them efficiently until after midnight. I just hope they wash the stuff before eating it.
Cards and Coupons~
If you have coupons, don’t hand them to the cashier one at a time, hand them to the cashier all at once.
If you have a store issued card that gives you savings, or goes to charity, hand it to the cashier to scan, don’t reach around and scan it yourself. Its an invasion of personal space. We all have our little bubbles that we don’t like invaded by strangers, so stay out of mine.
This is all for now. If you have any questions about how you can become a better customer, feel free to ask them in the comments, and I’ll answer them at a later date. Also, please pass word of this post as far and wide as you can, so that many can learn how to be a propper customer. Copy and Paste it into your own blog (give me credit though!!!) or print it out all over the work place.
The World's Best Blonde Joke
If you like Blonde jokes, you're gonna love this one.
In other news, look for a post about proper customer behaviour later this weekend.
In other news, look for a post about proper customer behaviour later this weekend.
20060103
Some Resolutions for the New Year
In the year 2006 I resolve to: |
I'm already partway there with my internet ordination . . .
In the year 2006 I resolve to: |
In the year 2006 I resolve to: |
In the year 2006 I resolve to: |
In the year 2006 I resolve to: |
I like the way they all kind of work together towards a common goal. When I do rule the world, people who work in customer service will be allowed to be rude to the guest if the guest is rude to them first, without fear of losing their job-- among other great things
Some Good Advice
This came in one of those lovely forwards where if you send it to 15 people, great things will happen to you, and if you don't send it, bad things will happen to you. Well, I'm not sending it to anyone, but I will post it here because I do agree with the advice (I've edited it a bit so it makes more sense to me), so hopefully it will balance out, and nothing will happen to me :-D
1: Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2: Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
3: Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you
want.
4: When you say, "I love you," mean it
5: When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
6: Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7: Believe in love at first sight.
8: Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
9: Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
10: In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11: Don't judge people by their relatives, but judge them on how they treat their relatives.
12: Be slow to talk, but quick to listen/think.
13: When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
14: Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15: Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
16: When you lose, don't lose the lesson
17: Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
18: Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
19: When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
20: Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
21: Spend some time alone.
1: Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2: Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
3: Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you
want.
4: When you say, "I love you," mean it
5: When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
6: Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7: Believe in love at first sight.
8: Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
9: Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
10: In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11: Don't judge people by their relatives, but judge them on how they treat their relatives.
12: Be slow to talk, but quick to listen/think.
13: When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
14: Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15: Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
16: When you lose, don't lose the lesson
17: Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
18: Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
19: When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
20: Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
21: Spend some time alone.
20060101
Happy Frelling New Year!!!
So its the new year, nothing as impressive as in 2000, when all 4 digits changed, and there was the whole Y2k scare (whatever happened to that?) I later had heard that it was going to happen on Feb. 29, due to the fact that when they fixed the bug in the original programming, they forgot to do something about Feb. 29th. This also didn't happen. I blame the democrats for the entire scare :-D.
This year, I'll be dropping out of college, trying to find a new and better job, or a second job and trying to sort out some of the things going on in my life.
"Life. Loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it." -- Marvin The Robot.
Sorry Marvin, but I'm just crazy enough to like mine. Sure, there are some things in my past that I wish I could change, but everyone has those. So this year, I'll be taking this semester (I still live by semesters, I just dropped out, so give me a break) I'll be focusing on getting things in some sense of order.
This year, I'll be dropping out of college, trying to find a new and better job, or a second job and trying to sort out some of the things going on in my life.
"Life. Loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it." -- Marvin The Robot.
Sorry Marvin, but I'm just crazy enough to like mine. Sure, there are some things in my past that I wish I could change, but everyone has those. So this year, I'll be taking this semester (I still live by semesters, I just dropped out, so give me a break) I'll be focusing on getting things in some sense of order.
20051227
Meh...
I havn't posted in a good while, but holy crap I must speak out against the travesty below! I must say it has become one of my pet peeves when people embed video that automatically plays on it's own. It's quite common in the wastelands they call 'MySpace' (which, by the way, someone has decided to make a freaking documentary about and I've seen a book based on the retardedness of MySpace. Someone needs to give me lots of money to make stupid books and movies).
Anyways, the other reason I havn't posted is that I am currently jobless but on the hunt. I just passed my LPI Certification today and I'm working towards my A+ and Network+ Certifications. Come to think of, I'm also in college again and probably didn't say anything here. Ah well.
Perhaps I can post some more random nonsense sometime in the near future. Until then.. toodaloo!
Anyways, the other reason I havn't posted is that I am currently jobless but on the hunt. I just passed my LPI Certification today and I'm working towards my A+ and Network+ Certifications. Come to think of, I'm also in college again and probably didn't say anything here. Ah well.
Perhaps I can post some more random nonsense sometime in the near future. Until then.. toodaloo!
20051222
Throwing Around My Weight
(Pretend Wierd Al's Fat music video is playing here. I know you all have imaginations.)
A lot of people like Amish Paradise, and I have to agree, that it is a great song, however, I feel that Fat is a much better music video.
As it stands, I've slowly started gaining weight, as I haven't kept up with my running. So my goal is that by the summer, I'll be atleast back to 200 lbs-- or atleast able to run 3+ miles at a time again. I'm not sure where my running is at, as I haven't stayed with it. When I was out of shape, I ran a mile and a half in 14:45. Just before I was supposed to ship, I was down to 12:45. I'd like to get that even lower. I plan on participating again this year in the 5th third river bank run, and its never too early to get started with training for that.
A lot of people like Amish Paradise, and I have to agree, that it is a great song, however, I feel that Fat is a much better music video.
As it stands, I've slowly started gaining weight, as I haven't kept up with my running. So my goal is that by the summer, I'll be atleast back to 200 lbs-- or atleast able to run 3+ miles at a time again. I'm not sure where my running is at, as I haven't stayed with it. When I was out of shape, I ran a mile and a half in 14:45. Just before I was supposed to ship, I was down to 12:45. I'd like to get that even lower. I plan on participating again this year in the 5th third river bank run, and its never too early to get started with training for that.
20051219
20051214
More fun quizes
I see myself as a little more of a rogue personality (not always a "nice" guy)
Take the quiz:
What SuPeR HeRo Would You Be?
Superman
You are strong, but a little on the shy side, you are talented. But a word of advice, don't go changing in telephone boths, you can get arrested!
Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!
I've never had any complaints ;)
Take the quiz:
What type of kisser are you?
Good kisser
keep up the good work, never change.
Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!
What SuPeR HeRo Would You Be?
Superman
You are strong, but a little on the shy side, you are talented. But a word of advice, don't go changing in telephone boths, you can get arrested!
Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!
I've never had any complaints ;)
What type of kisser are you?
Good kisser
keep up the good work, never change.
Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!
20051209
A Soldier's Silent Night
I heard this on the radio yesterday on my way to donating plasma. (or as I call it, getting my blood money)
You can listen to it here.
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE.
I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.
I LOOKED ALL ABOUT, A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS, NOT EVEN A TREE.
NO STOCKING BY MANTLE, JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.
WITH MEDALS AND BADGES, AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT CAME THROUGH MY MIND.
FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT, IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER, ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.
THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING, SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.
THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE, THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.
WAS THIS THE HERO OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO, THE FLOOR FOR A BED?
I REALIZED THE FAMILIES THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.
SOON ROUND THE WORLD, THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.
THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS, LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.
I COULDN'T HELP WONDER HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.
THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES AND STARTED TO CRY;
THE SOLDIER AWAKENED AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
"SANTA DON'T CRY, THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;
I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM, I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD, MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."
THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT, I CONTINUED TO WEEP.
I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS, SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.
I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR SO WILLING TO FIGHT.
THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER, WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA, IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."
ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH, AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."
You can listen to it here.
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE.
I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.
I LOOKED ALL ABOUT, A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS, NOT EVEN A TREE.
NO STOCKING BY MANTLE, JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.
WITH MEDALS AND BADGES, AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT CAME THROUGH MY MIND.
FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT, IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER, ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.
THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING, SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.
THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE, THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.
WAS THIS THE HERO OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO, THE FLOOR FOR A BED?
I REALIZED THE FAMILIES THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.
SOON ROUND THE WORLD, THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.
THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS, LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.
I COULDN'T HELP WONDER HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.
THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES AND STARTED TO CRY;
THE SOLDIER AWAKENED AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
"SANTA DON'T CRY, THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;
I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM, I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD, MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."
THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT, I CONTINUED TO WEEP.
I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS, SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.
I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR SO WILLING TO FIGHT.
THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER, WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA, IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."
ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH, AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."
My Sexual IQ, Purity % and My Monty Python Charactor
Okay, its a very short quiz-- so I'm not too sure on the accuracy. I also took a 500 question purity test, and tested at only 68.8% pure.
I'm not sure on the accuracy of this one either, but I'm happy with the result.
Mean lil fellow, arn't you?
What Monty Python Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You have a sexual IQ of 134 When it comes to sex, you are a super genius. You have had a lot of experience, and sex interests you so you know a lot about it. You pride yourself on being a source of information and guidance to all of your friends. Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com |
I'm not sure on the accuracy of this one either, but I'm happy with the result.
Mean lil fellow, arn't you?
What Monty Python Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
20051205
When You Get To Heaven
A man, after living a full life and being the best possible sailor and
proud member of the US Navy, dies. When he got to heaven, St. Peter
was showing him around. They came to a modest little bungalow with a faded Navy Crest in the
window.
"This cottage is yours--yours for ETERNITY," said Peter. "This is very
special and not just anyone gets a home like this up here!"
The Sailor felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On the
way up to the porch, he notices another house just around the corner.
It was a tri-level mansion with a gold carpet rolled along the
pathway, and a 50-foot tall scarlet and gold statue bearing the image
of the Marines' eagle, globe and anchor. Not just this, but every
window bore some sort of Marine paraphernalia!
The Sailor dismally looks at Peter and said, "Peter, I'm not trying to
sound ungrateful, but I have question to ask."
"I was an outstanding citizen, I served 30 years of honest and
faithful service, I did the best I could for the people I came in
contact with!"Peter asked, "So what is your question, my son?"
"Well, why is it that those Marines get a better house than us Navy
chaps?"
..................
Peter chuckles and says, "Silly swabbie, that's God's house!"
proud member of the US Navy, dies. When he got to heaven, St. Peter
was showing him around. They came to a modest little bungalow with a faded Navy Crest in the
window.
"This cottage is yours--yours for ETERNITY," said Peter. "This is very
special and not just anyone gets a home like this up here!"
The Sailor felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On the
way up to the porch, he notices another house just around the corner.
It was a tri-level mansion with a gold carpet rolled along the
pathway, and a 50-foot tall scarlet and gold statue bearing the image
of the Marines' eagle, globe and anchor. Not just this, but every
window bore some sort of Marine paraphernalia!
The Sailor dismally looks at Peter and said, "Peter, I'm not trying to
sound ungrateful, but I have question to ask."
"I was an outstanding citizen, I served 30 years of honest and
faithful service, I did the best I could for the people I came in
contact with!"Peter asked, "So what is your question, my son?"
"Well, why is it that those Marines get a better house than us Navy
chaps?"
..................
Peter chuckles and says, "Silly swabbie, that's God's house!"
20051129
The Leaving Song pt. 1
I may be leaving Grand Rapids, in which case I'll be leaving Michigan altogether. It all boils down to two things, whether or not I decide to drop out of college, and if I do decide to do so, whether or not I can get a better job. If I can't get a better job, I can't afford to stay. So I've got to rethink my options.
20051126
Southern Remedy for Cough and Cold
1 shot whiskey
1 shot lemon juice
1 tablespoon of honey.
put into a coffee cup, fill the rest with steaming hot water-- sip until gone.
1 shot lemon juice
1 tablespoon of honey.
put into a coffee cup, fill the rest with steaming hot water-- sip until gone.
20051124
I need help from the Bad Example Family
I've got a bottle of Chivas Regal, a new bottle of Jack, a bottle of Captain Morgan, and a bottle of the captain's private stock. What I need is a good remedy for a cold-- preferably one that involves atleast one of these drinks.
20051117
Talk Is Cheap
There used to be a time when giving your word meant something. Yes meant yes, and No meant no. There was a time when giving your word was as good as a signed contract, and in some cases, more binding than the signed contract. As for me, I continue to say what I mean, and mean what I say. If I say that I'm going to do something, then I'm going to do it. I don't like words like maybe, or phrases like I'll try. Give me either a yes or a no.
All too often, I watch as people manipulate others with their less than direct words. Or they'll say something and then the things that they do go against what they said. More often than not, its girls who do it to guys. "Oh, I'd love to hang out sometime." And then every time the guy tries to arrange a time to meet, the girl is busy. I'm not saying that guys don't do these kinds of things as well, but they tend to be more direct. And I know that a lot of the time, people do it because they don't want the other person to get hurt.
I hereby request that people start being more direct with each other. Quit trying to protect people from getting hurt, it isn't helping them.
All too often, I watch as people manipulate others with their less than direct words. Or they'll say something and then the things that they do go against what they said. More often than not, its girls who do it to guys. "Oh, I'd love to hang out sometime." And then every time the guy tries to arrange a time to meet, the girl is busy. I'm not saying that guys don't do these kinds of things as well, but they tend to be more direct. And I know that a lot of the time, people do it because they don't want the other person to get hurt.
I hereby request that people start being more direct with each other. Quit trying to protect people from getting hurt, it isn't helping them.
20051115
Filler while I work on a real post
The Dump List, taken from here, can only be called, Highschool Bathroom Humor. But what can I say, I love bathroom humor. Its almost as good Harvey's Love Notes Comments.
The Poop Name List
The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.
The Cable Dump - Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.
The Latrine Dump - In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.
The Mona Lisa Dump - This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.
The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.
The Splash Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed.
Tip: Blot instead of wiping.
The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do
The Caesarian Dump - Pain, that's what this dump and childbirth have in common. Its simply a case of too much dump trying to go through too small a hole, and there's no obstetrician to help.
The Alfresco Dump - Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy.
The Childbirth Dump - This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.
The Tijuana Trot Dump - The phrase "Sh*t Happens" really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.
The Machine Gun Dump - You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump - You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem
3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor
The Security Dump - You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this...hum loudly
The Cling-On Dump - For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors
The Houdini Dump - You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? you'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in
The Flu Dump - You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by?
The Porta-Pottie Dump - Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, "Its like taking a shit in an upright coffin". Its claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice...go in a paper cup.
The Proctologist Dump - In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??
The Whole Roll Dump - No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.
The Graffiti Dump - You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave it. Its your choice.
The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.
The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion" you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth...you forget the pain quickly.
The Poop Name List
The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.
The Cable Dump - Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.
The Latrine Dump - In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.
The Mona Lisa Dump - This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.
The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.
The Splash Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed.
Tip: Blot instead of wiping.
The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do
The Caesarian Dump - Pain, that's what this dump and childbirth have in common. Its simply a case of too much dump trying to go through too small a hole, and there's no obstetrician to help.
The Alfresco Dump - Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy.
The Childbirth Dump - This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.
The Tijuana Trot Dump - The phrase "Sh*t Happens" really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.
The Machine Gun Dump - You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump - You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem
3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor
The Security Dump - You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this...hum loudly
The Cling-On Dump - For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors
The Houdini Dump - You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? you'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in
The Flu Dump - You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by?
The Porta-Pottie Dump - Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, "Its like taking a shit in an upright coffin". Its claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice...go in a paper cup.
The Proctologist Dump - In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??
The Whole Roll Dump - No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.
The Graffiti Dump - You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave it. Its your choice.
The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.
The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion" you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth...you forget the pain quickly.
20051110
The Internet and You
So Tuesday, I'll finally have internet access at my place. At that time, the fun shall begin. maybe.
20051025
Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating. My profile name: custoshonor |
I must say that I feel I am quite cocky/confident . . . But otherwise it's pretty accurate.
20051024
Someone Is Lying To Me
As I may of may not have mentioned, I had not heard from my friend who's boyfriend hits her since Thursday afternoon. Nor had she gone into work that Friday or Saturday. I didn't get to sleep Saturday night until about 05:00, largely due to the fact that I was worried about her. I went in to work on Sunday to purchase some things, and who should I see but that same friend whom had been missing. I went through her line, and asked how she was doing, and if she wanted to go to the police. After a very long pause in answer, in which time she told me that he would get quite angry if he came to pick her up and she wasn't there, she told me that she would like to go. I then set things up so that I would arrive well before her boyfriend should, and also arranged to get her out of work early so as to avoid confrontation. I then left and got a friend of mine (my old roommate) to help in case anything went wrong.
Well, things went wrong. Upon arriving back at work, the Service Coordinator asked me if I knew where the girl was, as she had gone on break and didn't come back, this being a half an hour ago. We then searched the store and didn't find her. I called her cell, and recieved no answer. My only possible clue was a phone number that had called my cellphone that I didn't recognize. Upon doing a reverse phone search, I got the address, and my friend and I drove there in his car (his car is much faster than my truck) with the idea of taking her to the police station if that was indeed where she was at. I recognized her car in the driveway, and knocked on the door, but recieved no answer. I then called the number which had called me, using caller ID blocker, and an older woman answered the phone. I explained who I was, and what the situation was, and asked to speak to the girl. I was not permitted to do so, and was informed that she was not being abused (she can leave whenever she wants) had called them on her break, and was terrified of me, having them come and get her at work. After a bit more discussion, I left it that I would no longer try to contact her, and that she knew how to reach me if she needed to. This message was conveyed to the girl, who they told me said, "fine."
I don't know if she's the one lying, or if they are. If its her, she's doing a damned good job of it, because there are people who think she's being abused who haven't even talked to her about it.
Either way, I feel used and made a fool of.
"Life's a dance you learn as you go, sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow. Don't worry about what you don't know. Life's a dance you learn as you go."
-John Michael Montgomery
What happened to the life I thought I signed up for?
Well, things went wrong. Upon arriving back at work, the Service Coordinator asked me if I knew where the girl was, as she had gone on break and didn't come back, this being a half an hour ago. We then searched the store and didn't find her. I called her cell, and recieved no answer. My only possible clue was a phone number that had called my cellphone that I didn't recognize. Upon doing a reverse phone search, I got the address, and my friend and I drove there in his car (his car is much faster than my truck) with the idea of taking her to the police station if that was indeed where she was at. I recognized her car in the driveway, and knocked on the door, but recieved no answer. I then called the number which had called me, using caller ID blocker, and an older woman answered the phone. I explained who I was, and what the situation was, and asked to speak to the girl. I was not permitted to do so, and was informed that she was not being abused (she can leave whenever she wants) had called them on her break, and was terrified of me, having them come and get her at work. After a bit more discussion, I left it that I would no longer try to contact her, and that she knew how to reach me if she needed to. This message was conveyed to the girl, who they told me said, "fine."
I don't know if she's the one lying, or if they are. If its her, she's doing a damned good job of it, because there are people who think she's being abused who haven't even talked to her about it.
Either way, I feel used and made a fool of.
"Life's a dance you learn as you go, sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow. Don't worry about what you don't know. Life's a dance you learn as you go."
-John Michael Montgomery
What happened to the life I thought I signed up for?
20051019
Update
I haven't posted in a while, partly due to the fun that is moving in to a new place, partly due to not having internet at my new place, and partly because so much has been happening that I just couldn't make time. So as it stands, here's what's happened in the life of the good Reverend:
I started hanging out with a coworker who had told me she was 18, and things seemed to be going well. I then found out from one of my slightly higher ups that she wasn't 18, that she was 17. I don't know about other states, but in Michigan, that kind of thing is frowned upon. Now, there wasn't anything to actually worry about, as we didn't have sex, and that's where the law has a problem with it.
That she had lied to me didn't have the normal affect it would usually have on me-- I usually would end a relationship of any kind after someone has lied to me. or at the very least, whatever trust I had given them would no longer be given. However, in this case, I didn't care. Come to find out later that she had started seeing another co-worker, saying the same thing, and found out that she and I were never actually dating, which was fine with me. I fel sorry for my co-worker, as he now has to deal with her, and she thinks that she and him are dating (Ahh the drama that unfolds at Meijer)
Came to realize that I didn't care that she lied, or that we weren't dating, because I love another girl, whom I had thoroughly burned a bridge with and can't contact anymore.
In other news, I began focusing on a new cashier at meijer, and we hung out last night. I knew that she had a boyfriend, and that he was/is very controlling. What I found out last night was that he hits her. I had her stay the night, and today before she left, she promised she would go to the police. I'm going to talk with her again tonight, and if she hasn't gone to the police yet, then I'll take her myself tomorrow.
Life has been interesting these past few weeks. I sometimes feel that God is using me for his own amusement, but that's okay, because I'm laughing too.
I started hanging out with a coworker who had told me she was 18, and things seemed to be going well. I then found out from one of my slightly higher ups that she wasn't 18, that she was 17. I don't know about other states, but in Michigan, that kind of thing is frowned upon. Now, there wasn't anything to actually worry about, as we didn't have sex, and that's where the law has a problem with it.
That she had lied to me didn't have the normal affect it would usually have on me-- I usually would end a relationship of any kind after someone has lied to me. or at the very least, whatever trust I had given them would no longer be given. However, in this case, I didn't care. Come to find out later that she had started seeing another co-worker, saying the same thing, and found out that she and I were never actually dating, which was fine with me. I fel sorry for my co-worker, as he now has to deal with her, and she thinks that she and him are dating (Ahh the drama that unfolds at Meijer)
Came to realize that I didn't care that she lied, or that we weren't dating, because I love another girl, whom I had thoroughly burned a bridge with and can't contact anymore.
In other news, I began focusing on a new cashier at meijer, and we hung out last night. I knew that she had a boyfriend, and that he was/is very controlling. What I found out last night was that he hits her. I had her stay the night, and today before she left, she promised she would go to the police. I'm going to talk with her again tonight, and if she hasn't gone to the police yet, then I'll take her myself tomorrow.
Life has been interesting these past few weeks. I sometimes feel that God is using me for his own amusement, but that's okay, because I'm laughing too.
20051003
20050926
Let The Fun Begin
I've been keeping this to myself. Well, I've told a few people, but no one in the blog family knows. I was evicted from my current residence "for the safety of the other tenants." This despite the fact that it was the house manager who decided to describe various ways he wanted to hurt me. Despite the fact that I never once threatened anyone in this house. I don't like how the owners handled it. They kicked me out without first hearing my side of things. Didn't even bother to ask the other roommates. On the word of only one person, I'm getting kicked out. So I've found a new place to live. I likely won't have internet much longer, as I refuse to do the chores at a place I've been kicked out of. So wreak havic in the comments. I need something to read when I get back.
Can God Create A Rock So Big That He Can't Lift It?
So I was googling the title of Oolom Caloophid's second book in his trilogy of philosophical blockbusters, Some More of God's Greatest Mistakes, and I came accross this discussion thread, which poses the question you see in the title. Upon reading some of the responses, this one struck me as the funniest, and I thought I'd share it with you. Yes, I do have too much free time. No, I don't need to be given something to do.
"Wow. I had never considered such a question before? Is it possible? Is it paradox? Does it imply a limit to omnipotence or an omnipotence that transcends logic? Think of the ramifications?
If God could do that, could he make himself forget that he had done it?
If the rock was too heavy for Him, could God create another being strong enough to lift it?
If the other being did lift it, could God make the rock heavier and squash him?
If God did that, which would be kind of mean, really, would he feel guilty?
If He did feel guilty, could he change the way he truly felt?
If He could change the way He truly felt, could he just give himself eternal psychic orgasms?
If God could give himself eternal psychic orgasms, would each one be as good as th efirst or would they get old after a while?
If eternal psychic orgasms get old after a while, could God just vibrate the Universe, you know, just until the right deity came along?"
"Wow. I had never considered such a question before? Is it possible? Is it paradox? Does it imply a limit to omnipotence or an omnipotence that transcends logic? Think of the ramifications?
If God could do that, could he make himself forget that he had done it?
If the rock was too heavy for Him, could God create another being strong enough to lift it?
If the other being did lift it, could God make the rock heavier and squash him?
If God did that, which would be kind of mean, really, would he feel guilty?
If He did feel guilty, could he change the way he truly felt?
If He could change the way He truly felt, could he just give himself eternal psychic orgasms?
If God could give himself eternal psychic orgasms, would each one be as good as th efirst or would they get old after a while?
If eternal psychic orgasms get old after a while, could God just vibrate the Universe, you know, just until the right deity came along?"
20050925
Wounds Run Deep -- and now I myself am Chasing Amy.
See previous post for Silent Bob's story about Amy if you need the Chasing Amy reference. His story is similar to mine only in that we both fucked up.
Why is it that when someone close to us hurts us deeply; to the point of ripping our heart to shreds, even if they didn't mean to-- Why is it we do the one thing that makes it worse for us? Why is it always that that one thing seems like the best choice?
I made a mistake, and I can't take it back. I meant what I said. I still felt betrayed, and it felt like they didn't really mean what they had told me-- their actions told me completely different things than what their words did. I always thought that I could override my heart with logic. It's amazing how logical the heart can sound in times of pain and hurt. I thought that since the thoughts I had weren't resultant from anger that they were from my mind, and not my heart. I felt like I had been betrayed, and it was probably just my imagination, but I did the worst thing I could think of-- I broke a promise and betrayed them. Their betrayal, if that's really what it was, did not deserve the response I gave. I screwed up, and now I'm going to pay the price for it.
Why is it that when someone close to us hurts us deeply; to the point of ripping our heart to shreds, even if they didn't mean to-- Why is it we do the one thing that makes it worse for us? Why is it always that that one thing seems like the best choice?
I made a mistake, and I can't take it back. I meant what I said. I still felt betrayed, and it felt like they didn't really mean what they had told me-- their actions told me completely different things than what their words did. I always thought that I could override my heart with logic. It's amazing how logical the heart can sound in times of pain and hurt. I thought that since the thoughts I had weren't resultant from anger that they were from my mind, and not my heart. I felt like I had been betrayed, and it was probably just my imagination, but I did the worst thing I could think of-- I broke a promise and betrayed them. Their betrayal, if that's really what it was, did not deserve the response I gave. I screwed up, and now I'm going to pay the price for it.
Silent Bob on Chasing Amy
This was taken almost directly from this site. With some of it cut out as it didn't apply to the story.
Silent Bob: [to Holden] So there's me an' Amy, and we're all inseparable, right? Just big time in love. And then about four months in, I ask about the ex-boyfriend. Dumb move, I know, but you know how it is - you don't really want to know, but you just have to... stupid guy bullshit. Anyway she starts telling me all about him - how they dated for years, lived together, her mother likes me better, blah, blah, blah - and I'm okay. But then she tells me that a couple times, he brought other people to bed with them - ménage a tois, I believe it's called. Now this just blows my mind. I mean, I'm not used to that sort of thing, right? I was raised Catholic.
So I get weirded out, and just start blasting her, right? This is the only way I can deal with it - by calling her a slut, and telling her that she was used - I mean, I'm out for blood I want to hurt her - because I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling. And I'm like "What the fuck is wrong with you?" and she's telling me that it was that time, in that place, and she didn't do anything wrong, so she's not gonna apologize. So I tell her it's over, and I walk.
It was a mistake. I wasn't disgusted with her, I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small - like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level or never be enough for her or something. And what I didn't get was that she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy anymore. She was looking for me, for the Bob. But by the time I realized this, it was too late, you know. She'd moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But I pushed her away...
[Silent Bob lights a cigarette]
Silent Bob: So I've spent every day since then chasing Amy...
[takes a drag from his smoke]
Silent Bob: So to speak.
Silent Bob: [to Holden] So there's me an' Amy, and we're all inseparable, right? Just big time in love. And then about four months in, I ask about the ex-boyfriend. Dumb move, I know, but you know how it is - you don't really want to know, but you just have to... stupid guy bullshit. Anyway she starts telling me all about him - how they dated for years, lived together, her mother likes me better, blah, blah, blah - and I'm okay. But then she tells me that a couple times, he brought other people to bed with them - ménage a tois, I believe it's called. Now this just blows my mind. I mean, I'm not used to that sort of thing, right? I was raised Catholic.
So I get weirded out, and just start blasting her, right? This is the only way I can deal with it - by calling her a slut, and telling her that she was used - I mean, I'm out for blood I want to hurt her - because I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling. And I'm like "What the fuck is wrong with you?" and she's telling me that it was that time, in that place, and she didn't do anything wrong, so she's not gonna apologize. So I tell her it's over, and I walk.
It was a mistake. I wasn't disgusted with her, I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small - like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level or never be enough for her or something. And what I didn't get was that she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy anymore. She was looking for me, for the Bob. But by the time I realized this, it was too late, you know. She'd moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But I pushed her away...
[Silent Bob lights a cigarette]
Silent Bob: So I've spent every day since then chasing Amy...
[takes a drag from his smoke]
Silent Bob: So to speak.
20050923
Google Talk Revisited
So I've finally had a chance to use google talk, and its a decent program-- not as nice as AIM with deadaim attachment or YIM, but its got potential, and I like to use it.
On another Instant Messenger feature, there is now a program called Tizzle Talk which translates everything you write into another dialect. My favorite to use it pirate, in which this bible verse goes from:
"'Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?' Jesus said to him, 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it, You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'”
Becomes:
“'Teacher, I'll warrant ye, which is th' great commandment in th' law?' Jesus said t' that scurvey dog, 'Ye shall love th' Lord yer God with all yer heart, and with all yer soul, and with all yer mind. This is th' great and first commandment. Pass the grog! And a second is like it, Ye shall love yer neighbor as yourself.'”
There are also settings for ebonics, redneck, dubya, Jessica Simpson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Engrish, Jacko, Nelly, Pig Laten, and Napoleon Dynomite. The makers are also adding more dialects, and soon to come appears to be Yoda, based on the current poll.
On another Instant Messenger feature, there is now a program called Tizzle Talk which translates everything you write into another dialect. My favorite to use it pirate, in which this bible verse goes from:
"'Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?' Jesus said to him, 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it, You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'”
Becomes:
“'Teacher, I'll warrant ye, which is th' great commandment in th' law?' Jesus said t' that scurvey dog, 'Ye shall love th' Lord yer God with all yer heart, and with all yer soul, and with all yer mind. This is th' great and first commandment. Pass the grog! And a second is like it, Ye shall love yer neighbor as yourself.'”
There are also settings for ebonics, redneck, dubya, Jessica Simpson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Engrish, Jacko, Nelly, Pig Laten, and Napoleon Dynomite. The makers are also adding more dialects, and soon to come appears to be Yoda, based on the current poll.
20050921
Simple Math
This was sent to me by a friend and colleage.
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs. A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, You're next. They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs. A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, You're next. They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
20050919
Yaaarrrr! It's National Talk Like a Pirate Day!
As ye know from readin' th' title of this here post, it be national talk like a pirate day. And by Blackbeard's sword, it be only fitting to give ye access to the Talk Like a Pirate website. Where ye lubbers can learn all about how to talk like a true buccaneer.
An' if ye be having trouble talkin' like a buccaneer, the bilge rats on tha' site have seen fit to provide a transla'or for even the thickest lubber.
An' if ye be having trouble talkin' like a buccaneer, the bilge rats on tha' site have seen fit to provide a transla'or for even the thickest lubber.
20050918
Is It Worth It?
The other day, my girl told me that she was sick, and that I shouldn't kiss her. Well, as I have a somewhat well developed immune system, I decided to take the risk, and kissed her anyway. Now I'm sick, too. So looking at it from a logical standpoint, it was fun to kiss her, but it wasn't fun to end up getting her cold. In the long term, I've also given my immune system something to attack so that it will remain strong, which is good. I guess in the end, that you have to decide-- I'm still not sure if it was worth it. But at the time I kissed her it was.
20050914
Happy Birthday Harvey!!!
So its my blogfather's birthday, and while I'd love to send him some gifts, I just recently burned my entire pr0n collection by accident. Ah, the things we do when we're drunk . . . So, I got this for him instead:
Happy Birthday Blogdad
Happy Birthday Blogdad
20050912
updates and whatever and more dating tips
Okay, I haven't really updated, not sure if posting gaps are going to get worse or not, my dating tips do work as is now proven by the fact that I'm dating a girl-- not the one I was flirting with that I mentioned, but another girl. Rather than give more tips, I'm just going to tell you what works for me. It may not work for you, but it should help you develop confidence, which is an important key to developing attraction. Here's an IM conversation with a friend which should explain my technique rather well. This is posted with his permission.
Custos Honor (11:57:08 PM): dude a friend quoted me in his AIM status
bluelitespecia (11:57:24 PM): oh, what he say?
Custos Honor (11:57:38 PM): Custos Honor (10:48:06 PM): they say that they want a "nice" guy-- but what they really want is the "alpha male" ... My friend Andrew Boykin on the female dating agenda. Sleep well
bluelitespecia (11:57:42 PM): and Nathan quotes me sometimes too ><
bluelitespecia (11:58:00 PM): lol
bluelitespecia (11:58:18 PM): nice guy means they want an alpha male eh?
bluelitespecia (11:59:12 PM): brandon: i'll leave running that cable to you then, i gotta find the tv power cord
me: thats cool
me: no worries about running the wire at all, it'll be a sinch
me: ... or an explosive fireball of battery acid.
Custos Honor (12:02:24 AM): heh
Custos Honor (12:02:43 AM): yeah I've seen that quote
Custos Honor (12:08:18 AM): and yeah, women go for the alpha male type
bluelitespecia (12:08:33 AM): what’s the definition of that
Custos Honor (12:08:45 AM): confidence
Custos Honor (12:08:49 AM): lots of confidence
bluelitespecia (12:09:14 AM): LOL, reminds me of one of those male enhancement commercials
Custos Honor (12:09:16 AM): you gotta tease the girl-- juvenile tactics tend to work
bluelitespecia (12:11:21 AM): hmmmm, what kind of tease?
Custos Honor (12:11:33 AM): flirting mostly
Custos Honor (12:11:44 AM): eye contact-- touching
bluelitespecia (12:12:00 AM): most excellent
Custos Honor (12:12:18 AM): being able to flirt with your eyes is a plus
bluelitespecia (12:12:59 AM): I got eye contact down, more flirting comes with more confidence, but then I’m not sure if they even want to be touched
Custos Honor (12:13:32 AM): start with poking
Custos Honor (12:13:42 AM): not hard poking, more tickling kind of poking
bluelitespecia (12:13:58 AM): hmmmm
Custos Honor (12:14:34 AM): another tactic-- when their back is to you, walk up behind them quietly, get right up to their ear, and softly say "boo"
bluelitespecia (12:14:56 AM): ninja sneakiness, excellent, I have that
Custos Honor (12:15:10 AM): alternately, if they see you, continue to walk up to them poke them lightly, and say "poke"
Custos Honor (12:16:10 AM): if you're walking, casually put your arm around their shoulders for a couple seconds, then lightly rub their back and go back to walking normally
Custos Honor (12:16:54 AM): tickling a girl's sides is a good way to flirt-- provided she's ticklish-- if she says stop in a way that you know means stop, then you stop, other wise feel free to tickle her every now and again
bluelitespecia (12:17:09 AM): now that’s something you'd do to a girl that your going out with, and not some random girl off the street
Custos Honor (12:17:44 AM): you don't have to be dating her
Custos Honor (12:17:53 AM): but i wouldn't recommend doing it to strangers either
Custos Honor (12:18:07 AM): girls that you know somewhat
bluelitespecia (12:18:17 AM): alright
bluelitespecia (12:20:06 AM): so need to work on some pick up lines oO
Custos Honor (12:20:10 AM): no
bluelitespecia (12:20:15 AM): heh
Custos Honor (12:20:23 AM): pick up lines aren't needed
Custos Honor (12:24:00 AM): and actually if you don't do those right, can get you slapped
bluelitespecia (12:24:25 AM): lol, great
bluelitespecia (12:24:33 AM): then I’ll choose the path without pick up lines
Custos Honor (12:29:16 AM): my now g/f posted this before she came over today: "well ok so i like this guy but he doesn’t know i like him but what can i do or say what ever"
bluelitespecia (12:30:34 AM): ah, very cool
Custos Honor (12:30:49 AM): I’m thinking she posted that about me
bluelitespecia (12:31:00 AM): well, yeah, seeing as she’s your GF now
Custos Honor (12:31:04 AM): i could be wrong, but I doubt it
bluelitespecia (12:31:27 AM): there’s your alpha male confidence
Custos Honor (12:31:51 AM): its a nice thing to have
bluelitespecia (12:31:57 AM): indeed
Custos Honor (12:33:17 AM): its too bad you live so far away, otherwise you could come hang out and I could give you some pointers
bluelitespecia (12:34:03 AM): its a same i don't spend more time with the ladies, but i don't know any that take robotics... or electrics ><
Custos Honor (12:34:29 AM): well, i perfected my technique at work and on CU campus
bluelitespecia (12:34:44 AM): lots of opportunity I’m sure
Custos Honor (12:35:48 AM): oh yeah
Custos Honor (12:36:20 AM): especially when you live in the only guys dorm on campus that shares two of three lounges with the next door girl's dorm
bluelitespecia (12:36:50 AM): heck yeah
Custos Honor (11:57:08 PM): dude a friend quoted me in his AIM status
bluelitespecia (11:57:24 PM): oh, what he say?
Custos Honor (11:57:38 PM): Custos Honor (10:48:06 PM): they say that they want a "nice" guy-- but what they really want is the "alpha male" ... My friend Andrew Boykin on the female dating agenda. Sleep well
bluelitespecia (11:57:42 PM): and Nathan quotes me sometimes too ><
bluelitespecia (11:58:00 PM): lol
bluelitespecia (11:58:18 PM): nice guy means they want an alpha male eh?
bluelitespecia (11:59:12 PM): brandon: i'll leave running that cable to you then, i gotta find the tv power cord
me: thats cool
me: no worries about running the wire at all, it'll be a sinch
me: ... or an explosive fireball of battery acid.
Custos Honor (12:02:24 AM): heh
Custos Honor (12:02:43 AM): yeah I've seen that quote
Custos Honor (12:08:18 AM): and yeah, women go for the alpha male type
bluelitespecia (12:08:33 AM): what’s the definition of that
Custos Honor (12:08:45 AM): confidence
Custos Honor (12:08:49 AM): lots of confidence
bluelitespecia (12:09:14 AM): LOL, reminds me of one of those male enhancement commercials
Custos Honor (12:09:16 AM): you gotta tease the girl-- juvenile tactics tend to work
bluelitespecia (12:11:21 AM): hmmmm, what kind of tease?
Custos Honor (12:11:33 AM): flirting mostly
Custos Honor (12:11:44 AM): eye contact-- touching
bluelitespecia (12:12:00 AM): most excellent
Custos Honor (12:12:18 AM): being able to flirt with your eyes is a plus
bluelitespecia (12:12:59 AM): I got eye contact down, more flirting comes with more confidence, but then I’m not sure if they even want to be touched
Custos Honor (12:13:32 AM): start with poking
Custos Honor (12:13:42 AM): not hard poking, more tickling kind of poking
bluelitespecia (12:13:58 AM): hmmmm
Custos Honor (12:14:34 AM): another tactic-- when their back is to you, walk up behind them quietly, get right up to their ear, and softly say "boo"
bluelitespecia (12:14:56 AM): ninja sneakiness, excellent, I have that
Custos Honor (12:15:10 AM): alternately, if they see you, continue to walk up to them poke them lightly, and say "poke"
Custos Honor (12:16:10 AM): if you're walking, casually put your arm around their shoulders for a couple seconds, then lightly rub their back and go back to walking normally
Custos Honor (12:16:54 AM): tickling a girl's sides is a good way to flirt-- provided she's ticklish-- if she says stop in a way that you know means stop, then you stop, other wise feel free to tickle her every now and again
bluelitespecia (12:17:09 AM): now that’s something you'd do to a girl that your going out with, and not some random girl off the street
Custos Honor (12:17:44 AM): you don't have to be dating her
Custos Honor (12:17:53 AM): but i wouldn't recommend doing it to strangers either
Custos Honor (12:18:07 AM): girls that you know somewhat
bluelitespecia (12:18:17 AM): alright
bluelitespecia (12:20:06 AM): so need to work on some pick up lines oO
Custos Honor (12:20:10 AM): no
bluelitespecia (12:20:15 AM): heh
Custos Honor (12:20:23 AM): pick up lines aren't needed
Custos Honor (12:24:00 AM): and actually if you don't do those right, can get you slapped
bluelitespecia (12:24:25 AM): lol, great
bluelitespecia (12:24:33 AM): then I’ll choose the path without pick up lines
Custos Honor (12:29:16 AM): my now g/f posted this before she came over today: "well ok so i like this guy but he doesn’t know i like him but what can i do or say what ever"
bluelitespecia (12:30:34 AM): ah, very cool
Custos Honor (12:30:49 AM): I’m thinking she posted that about me
bluelitespecia (12:31:00 AM): well, yeah, seeing as she’s your GF now
Custos Honor (12:31:04 AM): i could be wrong, but I doubt it
bluelitespecia (12:31:27 AM): there’s your alpha male confidence
Custos Honor (12:31:51 AM): its a nice thing to have
bluelitespecia (12:31:57 AM): indeed
Custos Honor (12:33:17 AM): its too bad you live so far away, otherwise you could come hang out and I could give you some pointers
bluelitespecia (12:34:03 AM): its a same i don't spend more time with the ladies, but i don't know any that take robotics... or electrics ><
Custos Honor (12:34:29 AM): well, i perfected my technique at work and on CU campus
bluelitespecia (12:34:44 AM): lots of opportunity I’m sure
Custos Honor (12:35:48 AM): oh yeah
Custos Honor (12:36:20 AM): especially when you live in the only guys dorm on campus that shares two of three lounges with the next door girl's dorm
bluelitespecia (12:36:50 AM): heck yeah
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