See previous post for Silent Bob's story about Amy if you need the Chasing Amy reference. His story is similar to mine only in that we both fucked up.
Why is it that when someone close to us hurts us deeply; to the point of ripping our heart to shreds, even if they didn't mean to-- Why is it we do the one thing that makes it worse for us? Why is it always that that one thing seems like the best choice?
I made a mistake, and I can't take it back. I meant what I said. I still felt betrayed, and it felt like they didn't really mean what they had told me-- their actions told me completely different things than what their words did. I always thought that I could override my heart with logic. It's amazing how logical the heart can sound in times of pain and hurt. I thought that since the thoughts I had weren't resultant from anger that they were from my mind, and not my heart. I felt like I had been betrayed, and it was probably just my imagination, but I did the worst thing I could think of-- I broke a promise and betrayed them. Their betrayal, if that's really what it was, did not deserve the response I gave. I screwed up, and now I'm going to pay the price for it.
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Silent Bob on Chasing Amy
This was taken almost directly from this site. With some of it cut out as it didn't apply to the story.
Silent Bob: [to Holden] So there's me an' Amy, and we're all inseparable, right? Just big time in love. And then about four months in, I ask about the ex-boyfriend. Dumb move, I know, but you know how it is - you don't really want to know, but you just have to... stupid guy bullshit. Anyway she starts telling me all about him - how they dated for years, lived together, her mother likes me better, blah, blah, blah - and I'm okay. But then she tells me that a couple times, he brought other people to bed with them - ménage a tois, I believe it's called. Now this just blows my mind. I mean, I'm not used to that sort of thing, right? I was raised Catholic.
So I get weirded out, and just start blasting her, right? This is the only way I can deal with it - by calling her a slut, and telling her that she was used - I mean, I'm out for blood I want to hurt her - because I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling. And I'm like "What the fuck is wrong with you?" and she's telling me that it was that time, in that place, and she didn't do anything wrong, so she's not gonna apologize. So I tell her it's over, and I walk.
It was a mistake. I wasn't disgusted with her, I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small - like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level or never be enough for her or something. And what I didn't get was that she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy anymore. She was looking for me, for the Bob. But by the time I realized this, it was too late, you know. She'd moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But I pushed her away...
[Silent Bob lights a cigarette]
Silent Bob: So I've spent every day since then chasing Amy...
[takes a drag from his smoke]
Silent Bob: So to speak.
Silent Bob: [to Holden] So there's me an' Amy, and we're all inseparable, right? Just big time in love. And then about four months in, I ask about the ex-boyfriend. Dumb move, I know, but you know how it is - you don't really want to know, but you just have to... stupid guy bullshit. Anyway she starts telling me all about him - how they dated for years, lived together, her mother likes me better, blah, blah, blah - and I'm okay. But then she tells me that a couple times, he brought other people to bed with them - ménage a tois, I believe it's called. Now this just blows my mind. I mean, I'm not used to that sort of thing, right? I was raised Catholic.
So I get weirded out, and just start blasting her, right? This is the only way I can deal with it - by calling her a slut, and telling her that she was used - I mean, I'm out for blood I want to hurt her - because I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling. And I'm like "What the fuck is wrong with you?" and she's telling me that it was that time, in that place, and she didn't do anything wrong, so she's not gonna apologize. So I tell her it's over, and I walk.
It was a mistake. I wasn't disgusted with her, I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small - like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level or never be enough for her or something. And what I didn't get was that she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy anymore. She was looking for me, for the Bob. But by the time I realized this, it was too late, you know. She'd moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But I pushed her away...
[Silent Bob lights a cigarette]
Silent Bob: So I've spent every day since then chasing Amy...
[takes a drag from his smoke]
Silent Bob: So to speak.
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