My recruiter, Gunny O. called today, and wanted to know when I would be coming in to work out. He informed me that I was scheduled to leave on the twenty-first, and then told me that if he had to have Sgt. R. move in to my parents house to make sure that I made weight, then he would do so. Needless to say, I wasn't happy about the way he was talking to me. Apparently, Sgt. R. hadn't informed him about my decision to drop out of the armed forces. Also apparent was the fact that Sgt. R. didn't think I was serious when I mentioned it to him.
Gunny O. then informed me that I was pulling a lot of crap, said that there was know way I could have made this decision in two days. He's right, I hadn't made the decision in two days, I'd been having doubts as to whether or not I should go since the first time I was pushed back. I hadn't informed him of these doubts because I knew that he would not listen to me if I had tried to explain them to him. He told me that I was already enlisted and sworn in, and that I would have to go in front of a Military Discharge Review Board. While I'm not scared at the prospect of this, it is partially because I'm not entirely sure what this means for me. I know that if I sabotage myself by staying over their max weight, then they won't ship me out. I don't want to do it this way, I would prefer they let me go peaceably.
I have one trump card that I can use, but I'm not sure I want to use it except as a last resort. When I was younger, I was diagnosed with depression (not suicidal) and ADD. I had mentioned this to SSgt. V. but he had told me not to mention it at MEPS. I followed his advice, but each time I went down there, and each 96 hours before I went down there, I had to again state that my past psychological history was fine. I never felt right about saying nothing, but didn't because I was told not to, thinking that I had grown out of such things, and also knowing that they wouldn't be able to access those files. However, as an honest person, this has been eating at me. When I informed Sgt. R. again about it yesterday, the conversation went basically like this:
Me: I had told SSgt. V. about my psychological past, but he told me to keep quiet about it, and so I did. But this never really sat well with me. The Marine's motto is Honor, Courage and Commitment, and by telling me to do this, I don't understand how this reflects these three qualities.
Sgt. R.: The fact that you went along with it shows a lack of those qualities as well. You already told them that you hadn't had these issues, if you go tell them it's otherwise now, now that you are sworn in and have signed the contract, then you'll get in to trouble for it.
I basically let it go, but my thoughts on this later were that yes, I had shown a lack of Honor, Courage, and Commitment. Yes, I am guilty of violating three things that I hold extremely high in myself and in others. But if I don't do the right thing now, now that I acknowledge my sin in this, then that makes me worse for it, and I can't truly call myself a man if I continue to let it slide.
The way Sgt. R. handled what I had informed him about was basically the final thing that convinced me not to join the service. That none of the recruiters in that office actually listen doesn't help the case either.