Okay, I don't believe in this sort of thing, but these are funny:
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
There are no stupid questions. Except maybe "Wanna see me tease this bear?"
GEMINI (May 21-June 21)
You’re not one to mince words. Just rats.
CANCER (June 22-July 22)
You’re one in a million this month, since those are the odds that you’ll be struck by lightning.
LEO (July 23-August 22)
Your idea will look good on paper. But will it look good on rock and scissors?
VIRGO (August 23-September 22)
Someone you know will rise to the occasion this month. You will be surprised when it is your Uncle Chester, and the occasion is your Uncle Chester’s funeral.
LIBRA (September 23-October 21)
Everything is finally going your way! Your skin cleared up, school was canceled, the best time of your life is at hand. Too bad it’s opposite day, huh?
SCORPIO (October 23-November 21)
Curiosity killed the cat. You just aided and abetted curiosity.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21)
Before you offend someone else, hold your tongue. Before you offend your taste buds, wash your hands.
CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19)
This month, put your money where your mouth is. On your face.
AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18)
You’ve been letting some important things slide recently, like your little brother down the garbage chute.
PISCES (February 19-March 20)
You’re a natural leader. Guiding the neighborhood kids into that quicksand was pure genius.
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
You’re not one for small talk.