Here I sit all broke hearted, had to make a turd in a bucket but only . . .

Actually, the title hides the seriousness of the post. About a week or two before Valentine's Day, I got into two fights (for lack of a better phrase) with two of my friends in the same day, one of whom I considered my best friend. I've been mostly out of contact with them since then, and I'm trying to patch things up, or at the very least end things on a better note, with the one I consider to be my best friend, because even while things were headed to Hell in a handbasket, there was still a mutual respect with between us.

The result of this is that my heart was broken twice in the same day. And in order to protect myself I retreated completely away from my emotions. I lost my heart, and both my desire and my will to continue with my plan of enlisting in the Marines. The only reason I didn't quit was because I had given my word that I would enlist (I had already been sworn in at that point) and I never back down from my word. It became a lot harder to do what I needed to do in order to get into shape, and I'm paying the price for that now. I should be in much better condition than I am.

The other result is that I became much more cynical as well as becoming hard hearted towards others. I became apathetic towards my life and the lives of others outside of my family. Even today I have a hard time being concerned about other people, and customers at Meijer don't help any with the healing process.

A couple nights ago, I got in touch with my old drinking buddy, and we went down town and hit a couple bars. At the second place we went, I watched as one of the bartenders made a large fireball, it looked really cool (or hot) and was a little amused when I saw that half his face caught fire as well. He managed to put it out before getting too badly burned, though it did singe his hair a bit. After we left there, we were headed back to the parking ramp (no we weren't drunk, nor do I support driving drunk) to leave, when we came across a really drunk girl and an elderly drunk guy, both of whom had trouble walking without staggering all over the place. The girl asked us for directions to another bar about three or four blocks away, and rather than give them directions, we decided we'd take them there so they wouldn't get lost. For the first time in months I found myself actually concerned about someone. I was concerned about a girl I didn't even know. I stayed nearby when we got to the bar (she actually chose a spot near us) and by that time I was only drinking water so that I would be completely free of the affects of alcohol. My friend and I stayed long enough to make sure that they had a way home, even offered to drive them home if their ride didn't show.

Now I'm at two weeks before boot camp, and I'm just now started to gain back my desire to go. Words of encouragement, and especially my father calling me to tell me how proud he was that I had made the decision to join the Marines have helped re-affirm and strengthen my will to go. The events of the other night showed me that I am still capable of caring about others. I would really like to work things out with my best friend, as they are a huge motivation to me.

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