Madame Ellen's Horrorscopes
AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18)
What’s all the rage this summer? Popping bubble gum. Have a contest with your brother or sister to see who can blow the biggest bubble. The winner is whoever has to cut the most gum out of their hair.
PISCES (February 19-March 20)
Popsicles make great snacks, and they also make great stains on your aunt's white linen tablecloth.
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
So your original plan to get someone’s attention didn’t quite work out. Don’t fret — you couldn’t have known they wouldn’t take the term "mud pie" literally.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Accepting change is half the battle. Spending it on rope to tie up your brother is the other half.
GEMINI (May 21-June 21)
(written by Shelley, age 15)
Don’t let your mind wander — or is it too late?
CANCER (June 22-July 22)
You’ll want to concentrate on rebuilding your body’s natural defenses this month. But finishing up that moat couldn’t hurt either.
LEO (July 23-August 22)
This holiday season you feel abandoned by those who are supposed to love you most — finally some peace and quiet.
VIRGO (August 23-September 22)
You are run out of town due to a slight misinterpretation of your artistic vision when you make your directorial debut in this year's school play.
LIBRA (September 23-October 21)
You’re feeling much more confident about yourself this month. You know what they say, ignorance is bliss.
SCORPIO (October 23-November 21)
This is the month to sweep that special someone off their feet. Slippery floor wax makes it a lot easier.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21)
Your big dilemma this month: falling asleep in the middle of summer school. Don’t you think that's a little boring? If you want interesting advice, I suggest you get some interesting problems.
CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19)
You’re a very peculiar one, Capricorn. Have you ever considered knitting yourself a cute little lilac cap and a matching sweater? You have? You're even more hopeless than I thought.