20060122
20060121
Trucks are Tough
I got into my first accident last night. (Well, first accident that had to be reported.) Completely ruined the bumper of the car I hit. Plastic bumbers just aren't the good. I wasn't going fast enough for my airbags to deploy, and so far my truck only seems to have some cosmetic damage, namely the front bumper got dented. Although I didn't announce this at the start, no one was hurt in the accident. I wasn't driving wrecklessly, and I was actually being a good driver. It was snowing bad, and my truck lost control. I did everything I could think of to stop it, but the truck insisted on still going. I hit the rear of their car. (They had apparrently previously lost control of their car [I hadn't seen this] and were likely recovering from the shock of that, only to have a truck hit them.
The Policeman who showed up ended up giving me a ticket for "Failed to stop in clear assured distance." The ticket no where mentions that the road was icey. nor does it mention that it (the accident) was on a semi-steep downhill road, so that I hit them coming from above, my truck literally slid the thirty feet to hit them. I'm going to fight this ticket, anyone know what kind of chances I have?
The Policeman who showed up ended up giving me a ticket for "Failed to stop in clear assured distance." The ticket no where mentions that the road was icey. nor does it mention that it (the accident) was on a semi-steep downhill road, so that I hit them coming from above, my truck literally slid the thirty feet to hit them. I'm going to fight this ticket, anyone know what kind of chances I have?
20060117
Answering some questions
This will be added to as more questions are asked.
Question: If a cashier does a particularly polite and efficient job and I inform the manager of this, will it do any good?
I've done this a few times, and I hope the compliment got passed along.
- Harvey
It all depends on the manager. In some cases, the manager gave me a $5.00 gift card to the store, in others, I didn't find out about it until a week later and from a co-worker who was related to them.
"Mebbe not 'free', but I always say 'It's a nickel.' If it doesn't scan, it's a nickel, right?"
- _Jon
Usually, if an item doesn't scan, if the customer doesn't do the stupid line about it being free, I'll give it to them for a reduced price, usally about 99 cents, unless I think that price is too much. I adjust the price depending on the item and how much I like the customer.
Question: If a cashier does a particularly polite and efficient job and I inform the manager of this, will it do any good?
I've done this a few times, and I hope the compliment got passed along.
- Harvey
It all depends on the manager. In some cases, the manager gave me a $5.00 gift card to the store, in others, I didn't find out about it until a week later and from a co-worker who was related to them.
"Mebbe not 'free', but I always say 'It's a nickel.' If it doesn't scan, it's a nickel, right?"
- _Jon
Usually, if an item doesn't scan, if the customer doesn't do the stupid line about it being free, I'll give it to them for a reduced price, usally about 99 cents, unless I think that price is too much. I adjust the price depending on the item and how much I like the customer.
20060113
Cashier Has Authority To Solve All Problems With A Ten Gauge
I’ve decided to become a teacher of sorts. Today you are going how to be a proper customer in a retail store. I’ve had it with stupid customers who come into my lane, and as we are not yet at a point where Cashiers and other “Customer Service Representatives” can solve any problems that arise with a shotgun (This will change when I rule the world. [Mandatory safety classes and IQ tests must be passed before one can become a Customer Service Rep.] ) I have therefore decided that it is high time we had a customer training pamphlet.
Unloading the Cart~
When unloading your cart, please keep all of your like items together as you place them on the belt. You don’t want your bread placed in a bag with your heavy, bulky, and non-yielding cans, as that would crush your bread, so why would you place one loaf of bread in the middle of your placement of cans? You know that dozen eggs you’re buying? Place the bread on top of that, then, when it gets bagged, you’ll know where both the eggs and the bread are, and they won’t get lost in the process of ringing you up. Keeping all your like items together also serves to keep your cashier from having to stand on tip-toes and reach halfway across the lane just so they can put another item into the bag. To spell it out: meat goes with other meat, dairy with other dairy, frozen with other frozen or cold items, keep the crushable items with the other crushable items. Keep in mind that you may not have a cashier in the prime of their shift. They may have just started, in which case they need time to get into cashier mode, or they could be just ending a shift, in which case their brain is fried from dealing with stupid people all day, so the less they have to think about what’s already in the bag, the less likely they are to make a mistake and put the watermelon on top of the birthday cake you special ordered for your kid from the bakery because you were too damned lazy to bake one yourself.
Requesting Special Bags~
This one is simple. If you want your things put into paper bags, use this question: “May I have my order bagged in paper please?” (Be friendly, remember, you don’t know how many idiots we’ve had to deal with already, so you don’t know how close we are to the point where we just go retail.) Do not ask to have your things placed in bags, we all ready do that for you, so be specific. “Paper bags” and don’t call them brown bags either, they are paper bags, so that‘s what you should ask for. Also, don’t wait until your order is halfway finished (or completely finished) and give us the, “Oh, I wanted paper bags,” crap. Also, most cashiers hate bagging paper, so if they’re doing a good job, let them know, it’ll help brighten their day.
If you have brought your own bags, be they paper or cloth, let us know in advance. If they’re cloth bags, understand that things are going to go a little slower, as cloth bags have no support and its hard to hold them open and scan items at the same time.
If you want bags to be packed lightly, let us know, and don’t get mad at us if the bag is still too heavy (unless its obvious, like twenty cans in a bag) what’s light for us might still be too heavy for you, so it takes a little trial and error for the first couple of bags.
The Scanning Of The Items~
Okay, lets say that the Cashier is going a little slow with the scanning. The likely thing is that either they’re new to being a cashier, or they’re tired. In either case, yelling at them to go faster isn’t going to help you. It may increase their speed a little, but it increases the likelihood that an item, usually glass, will “accidentally” fall onto the ground and smash into many pieces of possibly lethal shrapnel. This will in turn mean that you then have to wait while someone goes back and gets you a replacement for that item. Usually this item is a rather expensive wine. Also, if the slow bagging is bugging you because “you have other things you need to do today,” then you should have re-thought what order you did things in. Grociery shopping takes time, and if you have a particularly large order, it takes a while to process the order. Then you have to drive home and unload everything. Grocery shopping should be done as the last thing you have to do before you go home for the night.
Loading the Cart~
A few grocery stores still employ baggers to bag your groceries and load your cart. Some will even have baggers who are there specifically to take the groceries to your car, and load the car for you. However, stores like Meijer and Walmart now employ a system called scan and bag, in which the cashier does everything from scan the items to bagging it. They will also load your cart for you, however, this takes time, especially if you have a large order. The easiest thing is if you load the cart yourself. The benefits of this is that you will know that your eggs aren’t in a danger zone inside the cart. Also, if you have requested that your bags be light, because you can’t lift much, loading the cart yourself will tell you in advance which bags you can lift, and which need to be redistributed into other bags or into their own bags. (My favorite are the people who want light bags because of a bad back, but have no trouble getting the 50 lbs. bag of dog food onto the belt.)
Price Discrepancies and items that don’t scan~
Okay, you think an item is supposed to be priced differently than how it shows on the screen. Be courteous to the cashier, “You know, I think that that item was on sale.” or “I’m pretty sure that the tag has a lower price.” If you are nice about it, the likelihood is that the cashier will give you the item for the lower amount, even if that item isn’t on sale and is correctly labeled. Being rude is a sure way to keeping the price at the current amount.
If an item doesn’t scan, don’t say anything like, “Oh, it didn’t scan, it must be free.” This was never funny, and is indeed quite annoying to a cashier. Nothing is free. Not even air. Air has pollution in it, so you’re still paying some kind of price.
Clothing~
If you don’t want to put your clothes on the belt because “they’ll get dirty,” that’s fine, but don’t hand the clothes to us all at once. Hand the clothes to the cashier one at a time so that they can scan and bag them easily. I’ve noticed that a lot of the customers who do this will place their produce items directly onto the belt without having them in a produce bag first, I don’t think they realize just how nasty these belts are. We don’t clean them efficiently until after midnight. I just hope they wash the stuff before eating it.
Cards and Coupons~
If you have coupons, don’t hand them to the cashier one at a time, hand them to the cashier all at once.
If you have a store issued card that gives you savings, or goes to charity, hand it to the cashier to scan, don’t reach around and scan it yourself. Its an invasion of personal space. We all have our little bubbles that we don’t like invaded by strangers, so stay out of mine.
This is all for now. If you have any questions about how you can become a better customer, feel free to ask them in the comments, and I’ll answer them at a later date. Also, please pass word of this post as far and wide as you can, so that many can learn how to be a propper customer. Copy and Paste it into your own blog (give me credit though!!!) or print it out all over the work place.
Unloading the Cart~
When unloading your cart, please keep all of your like items together as you place them on the belt. You don’t want your bread placed in a bag with your heavy, bulky, and non-yielding cans, as that would crush your bread, so why would you place one loaf of bread in the middle of your placement of cans? You know that dozen eggs you’re buying? Place the bread on top of that, then, when it gets bagged, you’ll know where both the eggs and the bread are, and they won’t get lost in the process of ringing you up. Keeping all your like items together also serves to keep your cashier from having to stand on tip-toes and reach halfway across the lane just so they can put another item into the bag. To spell it out: meat goes with other meat, dairy with other dairy, frozen with other frozen or cold items, keep the crushable items with the other crushable items. Keep in mind that you may not have a cashier in the prime of their shift. They may have just started, in which case they need time to get into cashier mode, or they could be just ending a shift, in which case their brain is fried from dealing with stupid people all day, so the less they have to think about what’s already in the bag, the less likely they are to make a mistake and put the watermelon on top of the birthday cake you special ordered for your kid from the bakery because you were too damned lazy to bake one yourself.
Requesting Special Bags~
This one is simple. If you want your things put into paper bags, use this question: “May I have my order bagged in paper please?” (Be friendly, remember, you don’t know how many idiots we’ve had to deal with already, so you don’t know how close we are to the point where we just go retail.) Do not ask to have your things placed in bags, we all ready do that for you, so be specific. “Paper bags” and don’t call them brown bags either, they are paper bags, so that‘s what you should ask for. Also, don’t wait until your order is halfway finished (or completely finished) and give us the, “Oh, I wanted paper bags,” crap. Also, most cashiers hate bagging paper, so if they’re doing a good job, let them know, it’ll help brighten their day.
If you have brought your own bags, be they paper or cloth, let us know in advance. If they’re cloth bags, understand that things are going to go a little slower, as cloth bags have no support and its hard to hold them open and scan items at the same time.
If you want bags to be packed lightly, let us know, and don’t get mad at us if the bag is still too heavy (unless its obvious, like twenty cans in a bag) what’s light for us might still be too heavy for you, so it takes a little trial and error for the first couple of bags.
The Scanning Of The Items~
Okay, lets say that the Cashier is going a little slow with the scanning. The likely thing is that either they’re new to being a cashier, or they’re tired. In either case, yelling at them to go faster isn’t going to help you. It may increase their speed a little, but it increases the likelihood that an item, usually glass, will “accidentally” fall onto the ground and smash into many pieces of possibly lethal shrapnel. This will in turn mean that you then have to wait while someone goes back and gets you a replacement for that item. Usually this item is a rather expensive wine. Also, if the slow bagging is bugging you because “you have other things you need to do today,” then you should have re-thought what order you did things in. Grociery shopping takes time, and if you have a particularly large order, it takes a while to process the order. Then you have to drive home and unload everything. Grocery shopping should be done as the last thing you have to do before you go home for the night.
Loading the Cart~
A few grocery stores still employ baggers to bag your groceries and load your cart. Some will even have baggers who are there specifically to take the groceries to your car, and load the car for you. However, stores like Meijer and Walmart now employ a system called scan and bag, in which the cashier does everything from scan the items to bagging it. They will also load your cart for you, however, this takes time, especially if you have a large order. The easiest thing is if you load the cart yourself. The benefits of this is that you will know that your eggs aren’t in a danger zone inside the cart. Also, if you have requested that your bags be light, because you can’t lift much, loading the cart yourself will tell you in advance which bags you can lift, and which need to be redistributed into other bags or into their own bags. (My favorite are the people who want light bags because of a bad back, but have no trouble getting the 50 lbs. bag of dog food onto the belt.)
Price Discrepancies and items that don’t scan~
Okay, you think an item is supposed to be priced differently than how it shows on the screen. Be courteous to the cashier, “You know, I think that that item was on sale.” or “I’m pretty sure that the tag has a lower price.” If you are nice about it, the likelihood is that the cashier will give you the item for the lower amount, even if that item isn’t on sale and is correctly labeled. Being rude is a sure way to keeping the price at the current amount.
If an item doesn’t scan, don’t say anything like, “Oh, it didn’t scan, it must be free.” This was never funny, and is indeed quite annoying to a cashier. Nothing is free. Not even air. Air has pollution in it, so you’re still paying some kind of price.
Clothing~
If you don’t want to put your clothes on the belt because “they’ll get dirty,” that’s fine, but don’t hand the clothes to us all at once. Hand the clothes to the cashier one at a time so that they can scan and bag them easily. I’ve noticed that a lot of the customers who do this will place their produce items directly onto the belt without having them in a produce bag first, I don’t think they realize just how nasty these belts are. We don’t clean them efficiently until after midnight. I just hope they wash the stuff before eating it.
Cards and Coupons~
If you have coupons, don’t hand them to the cashier one at a time, hand them to the cashier all at once.
If you have a store issued card that gives you savings, or goes to charity, hand it to the cashier to scan, don’t reach around and scan it yourself. Its an invasion of personal space. We all have our little bubbles that we don’t like invaded by strangers, so stay out of mine.
This is all for now. If you have any questions about how you can become a better customer, feel free to ask them in the comments, and I’ll answer them at a later date. Also, please pass word of this post as far and wide as you can, so that many can learn how to be a propper customer. Copy and Paste it into your own blog (give me credit though!!!) or print it out all over the work place.
The World's Best Blonde Joke
If you like Blonde jokes, you're gonna love this one.
In other news, look for a post about proper customer behaviour later this weekend.
In other news, look for a post about proper customer behaviour later this weekend.
20060103
Some Resolutions for the New Year
In the year 2006 I resolve to: |
I'm already partway there with my internet ordination . . .
In the year 2006 I resolve to: |
In the year 2006 I resolve to: |
In the year 2006 I resolve to: |
In the year 2006 I resolve to: |
I like the way they all kind of work together towards a common goal. When I do rule the world, people who work in customer service will be allowed to be rude to the guest if the guest is rude to them first, without fear of losing their job-- among other great things
Some Good Advice
This came in one of those lovely forwards where if you send it to 15 people, great things will happen to you, and if you don't send it, bad things will happen to you. Well, I'm not sending it to anyone, but I will post it here because I do agree with the advice (I've edited it a bit so it makes more sense to me), so hopefully it will balance out, and nothing will happen to me :-D
1: Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2: Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
3: Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you
want.
4: When you say, "I love you," mean it
5: When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
6: Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7: Believe in love at first sight.
8: Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
9: Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
10: In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11: Don't judge people by their relatives, but judge them on how they treat their relatives.
12: Be slow to talk, but quick to listen/think.
13: When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
14: Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15: Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
16: When you lose, don't lose the lesson
17: Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
18: Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
19: When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
20: Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
21: Spend some time alone.
1: Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2: Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
3: Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you
want.
4: When you say, "I love you," mean it
5: When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
6: Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7: Believe in love at first sight.
8: Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
9: Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
10: In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11: Don't judge people by their relatives, but judge them on how they treat their relatives.
12: Be slow to talk, but quick to listen/think.
13: When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
14: Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15: Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
16: When you lose, don't lose the lesson
17: Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
18: Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
19: When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
20: Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
21: Spend some time alone.
20060101
Happy Frelling New Year!!!
So its the new year, nothing as impressive as in 2000, when all 4 digits changed, and there was the whole Y2k scare (whatever happened to that?) I later had heard that it was going to happen on Feb. 29, due to the fact that when they fixed the bug in the original programming, they forgot to do something about Feb. 29th. This also didn't happen. I blame the democrats for the entire scare :-D.
This year, I'll be dropping out of college, trying to find a new and better job, or a second job and trying to sort out some of the things going on in my life.
"Life. Loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it." -- Marvin The Robot.
Sorry Marvin, but I'm just crazy enough to like mine. Sure, there are some things in my past that I wish I could change, but everyone has those. So this year, I'll be taking this semester (I still live by semesters, I just dropped out, so give me a break) I'll be focusing on getting things in some sense of order.
This year, I'll be dropping out of college, trying to find a new and better job, or a second job and trying to sort out some of the things going on in my life.
"Life. Loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it." -- Marvin The Robot.
Sorry Marvin, but I'm just crazy enough to like mine. Sure, there are some things in my past that I wish I could change, but everyone has those. So this year, I'll be taking this semester (I still live by semesters, I just dropped out, so give me a break) I'll be focusing on getting things in some sense of order.
20051227
Meh...
I havn't posted in a good while, but holy crap I must speak out against the travesty below! I must say it has become one of my pet peeves when people embed video that automatically plays on it's own. It's quite common in the wastelands they call 'MySpace' (which, by the way, someone has decided to make a freaking documentary about and I've seen a book based on the retardedness of MySpace. Someone needs to give me lots of money to make stupid books and movies).
Anyways, the other reason I havn't posted is that I am currently jobless but on the hunt. I just passed my LPI Certification today and I'm working towards my A+ and Network+ Certifications. Come to think of, I'm also in college again and probably didn't say anything here. Ah well.
Perhaps I can post some more random nonsense sometime in the near future. Until then.. toodaloo!
Anyways, the other reason I havn't posted is that I am currently jobless but on the hunt. I just passed my LPI Certification today and I'm working towards my A+ and Network+ Certifications. Come to think of, I'm also in college again and probably didn't say anything here. Ah well.
Perhaps I can post some more random nonsense sometime in the near future. Until then.. toodaloo!
20051222
Throwing Around My Weight
(Pretend Wierd Al's Fat music video is playing here. I know you all have imaginations.)
A lot of people like Amish Paradise, and I have to agree, that it is a great song, however, I feel that Fat is a much better music video.
As it stands, I've slowly started gaining weight, as I haven't kept up with my running. So my goal is that by the summer, I'll be atleast back to 200 lbs-- or atleast able to run 3+ miles at a time again. I'm not sure where my running is at, as I haven't stayed with it. When I was out of shape, I ran a mile and a half in 14:45. Just before I was supposed to ship, I was down to 12:45. I'd like to get that even lower. I plan on participating again this year in the 5th third river bank run, and its never too early to get started with training for that.
A lot of people like Amish Paradise, and I have to agree, that it is a great song, however, I feel that Fat is a much better music video.
As it stands, I've slowly started gaining weight, as I haven't kept up with my running. So my goal is that by the summer, I'll be atleast back to 200 lbs-- or atleast able to run 3+ miles at a time again. I'm not sure where my running is at, as I haven't stayed with it. When I was out of shape, I ran a mile and a half in 14:45. Just before I was supposed to ship, I was down to 12:45. I'd like to get that even lower. I plan on participating again this year in the 5th third river bank run, and its never too early to get started with training for that.
20051219
20051214
More fun quizes
I see myself as a little more of a rogue personality (not always a "nice" guy)
Take the quiz:
What SuPeR HeRo Would You Be?
Superman
You are strong, but a little on the shy side, you are talented. But a word of advice, don't go changing in telephone boths, you can get arrested!
Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!
I've never had any complaints ;)
Take the quiz:
What type of kisser are you?
Good kisser
keep up the good work, never change.
Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!
What SuPeR HeRo Would You Be?
Superman
You are strong, but a little on the shy side, you are talented. But a word of advice, don't go changing in telephone boths, you can get arrested!
Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!
I've never had any complaints ;)
What type of kisser are you?
Good kisser
keep up the good work, never change.
Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!
20051209
A Soldier's Silent Night
I heard this on the radio yesterday on my way to donating plasma. (or as I call it, getting my blood money)
You can listen to it here.
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE.
I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.
I LOOKED ALL ABOUT, A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS, NOT EVEN A TREE.
NO STOCKING BY MANTLE, JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.
WITH MEDALS AND BADGES, AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT CAME THROUGH MY MIND.
FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT, IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER, ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.
THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING, SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.
THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE, THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.
WAS THIS THE HERO OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO, THE FLOOR FOR A BED?
I REALIZED THE FAMILIES THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.
SOON ROUND THE WORLD, THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.
THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS, LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.
I COULDN'T HELP WONDER HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.
THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES AND STARTED TO CRY;
THE SOLDIER AWAKENED AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
"SANTA DON'T CRY, THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;
I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM, I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD, MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."
THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT, I CONTINUED TO WEEP.
I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS, SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.
I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR SO WILLING TO FIGHT.
THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER, WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA, IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."
ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH, AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."
You can listen to it here.
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE.
I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.
I LOOKED ALL ABOUT, A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS, NOT EVEN A TREE.
NO STOCKING BY MANTLE, JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.
WITH MEDALS AND BADGES, AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT CAME THROUGH MY MIND.
FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT, IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER, ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.
THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING, SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.
THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE, THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.
WAS THIS THE HERO OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO, THE FLOOR FOR A BED?
I REALIZED THE FAMILIES THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.
SOON ROUND THE WORLD, THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.
THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS, LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.
I COULDN'T HELP WONDER HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.
THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES AND STARTED TO CRY;
THE SOLDIER AWAKENED AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
"SANTA DON'T CRY, THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;
I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM, I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD, MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."
THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT, I CONTINUED TO WEEP.
I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS, SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.
I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR SO WILLING TO FIGHT.
THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER, WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA, IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."
ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH, AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."
My Sexual IQ, Purity % and My Monty Python Charactor
Okay, its a very short quiz-- so I'm not too sure on the accuracy. I also took a 500 question purity test, and tested at only 68.8% pure.
I'm not sure on the accuracy of this one either, but I'm happy with the result.
Mean lil fellow, arn't you?
What Monty Python Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You have a sexual IQ of 134 When it comes to sex, you are a super genius. You have had a lot of experience, and sex interests you so you know a lot about it. You pride yourself on being a source of information and guidance to all of your friends. Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com |
I'm not sure on the accuracy of this one either, but I'm happy with the result.
Mean lil fellow, arn't you?
What Monty Python Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
20051205
When You Get To Heaven
A man, after living a full life and being the best possible sailor and
proud member of the US Navy, dies. When he got to heaven, St. Peter
was showing him around. They came to a modest little bungalow with a faded Navy Crest in the
window.
"This cottage is yours--yours for ETERNITY," said Peter. "This is very
special and not just anyone gets a home like this up here!"
The Sailor felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On the
way up to the porch, he notices another house just around the corner.
It was a tri-level mansion with a gold carpet rolled along the
pathway, and a 50-foot tall scarlet and gold statue bearing the image
of the Marines' eagle, globe and anchor. Not just this, but every
window bore some sort of Marine paraphernalia!
The Sailor dismally looks at Peter and said, "Peter, I'm not trying to
sound ungrateful, but I have question to ask."
"I was an outstanding citizen, I served 30 years of honest and
faithful service, I did the best I could for the people I came in
contact with!"Peter asked, "So what is your question, my son?"
"Well, why is it that those Marines get a better house than us Navy
chaps?"
..................
Peter chuckles and says, "Silly swabbie, that's God's house!"
proud member of the US Navy, dies. When he got to heaven, St. Peter
was showing him around. They came to a modest little bungalow with a faded Navy Crest in the
window.
"This cottage is yours--yours for ETERNITY," said Peter. "This is very
special and not just anyone gets a home like this up here!"
The Sailor felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On the
way up to the porch, he notices another house just around the corner.
It was a tri-level mansion with a gold carpet rolled along the
pathway, and a 50-foot tall scarlet and gold statue bearing the image
of the Marines' eagle, globe and anchor. Not just this, but every
window bore some sort of Marine paraphernalia!
The Sailor dismally looks at Peter and said, "Peter, I'm not trying to
sound ungrateful, but I have question to ask."
"I was an outstanding citizen, I served 30 years of honest and
faithful service, I did the best I could for the people I came in
contact with!"Peter asked, "So what is your question, my son?"
"Well, why is it that those Marines get a better house than us Navy
chaps?"
..................
Peter chuckles and says, "Silly swabbie, that's God's house!"
20051129
The Leaving Song pt. 1
I may be leaving Grand Rapids, in which case I'll be leaving Michigan altogether. It all boils down to two things, whether or not I decide to drop out of college, and if I do decide to do so, whether or not I can get a better job. If I can't get a better job, I can't afford to stay. So I've got to rethink my options.
20051126
Southern Remedy for Cough and Cold
1 shot whiskey
1 shot lemon juice
1 tablespoon of honey.
put into a coffee cup, fill the rest with steaming hot water-- sip until gone.
1 shot lemon juice
1 tablespoon of honey.
put into a coffee cup, fill the rest with steaming hot water-- sip until gone.
20051124
I need help from the Bad Example Family
I've got a bottle of Chivas Regal, a new bottle of Jack, a bottle of Captain Morgan, and a bottle of the captain's private stock. What I need is a good remedy for a cold-- preferably one that involves atleast one of these drinks.
20051117
Talk Is Cheap
There used to be a time when giving your word meant something. Yes meant yes, and No meant no. There was a time when giving your word was as good as a signed contract, and in some cases, more binding than the signed contract. As for me, I continue to say what I mean, and mean what I say. If I say that I'm going to do something, then I'm going to do it. I don't like words like maybe, or phrases like I'll try. Give me either a yes or a no.
All too often, I watch as people manipulate others with their less than direct words. Or they'll say something and then the things that they do go against what they said. More often than not, its girls who do it to guys. "Oh, I'd love to hang out sometime." And then every time the guy tries to arrange a time to meet, the girl is busy. I'm not saying that guys don't do these kinds of things as well, but they tend to be more direct. And I know that a lot of the time, people do it because they don't want the other person to get hurt.
I hereby request that people start being more direct with each other. Quit trying to protect people from getting hurt, it isn't helping them.
All too often, I watch as people manipulate others with their less than direct words. Or they'll say something and then the things that they do go against what they said. More often than not, its girls who do it to guys. "Oh, I'd love to hang out sometime." And then every time the guy tries to arrange a time to meet, the girl is busy. I'm not saying that guys don't do these kinds of things as well, but they tend to be more direct. And I know that a lot of the time, people do it because they don't want the other person to get hurt.
I hereby request that people start being more direct with each other. Quit trying to protect people from getting hurt, it isn't helping them.
20051115
Filler while I work on a real post
The Dump List, taken from here, can only be called, Highschool Bathroom Humor. But what can I say, I love bathroom humor. Its almost as good Harvey's Love Notes Comments.
The Poop Name List
The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.
The Cable Dump - Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.
The Latrine Dump - In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.
The Mona Lisa Dump - This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.
The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.
The Splash Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed.
Tip: Blot instead of wiping.
The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do
The Caesarian Dump - Pain, that's what this dump and childbirth have in common. Its simply a case of too much dump trying to go through too small a hole, and there's no obstetrician to help.
The Alfresco Dump - Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy.
The Childbirth Dump - This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.
The Tijuana Trot Dump - The phrase "Sh*t Happens" really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.
The Machine Gun Dump - You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump - You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem
3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor
The Security Dump - You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this...hum loudly
The Cling-On Dump - For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors
The Houdini Dump - You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? you'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in
The Flu Dump - You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by?
The Porta-Pottie Dump - Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, "Its like taking a shit in an upright coffin". Its claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice...go in a paper cup.
The Proctologist Dump - In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??
The Whole Roll Dump - No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.
The Graffiti Dump - You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave it. Its your choice.
The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.
The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion" you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth...you forget the pain quickly.
The Poop Name List
The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.
The Cable Dump - Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.
The Latrine Dump - In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.
The Mona Lisa Dump - This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.
The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.
The Splash Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed.
Tip: Blot instead of wiping.
The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do
The Caesarian Dump - Pain, that's what this dump and childbirth have in common. Its simply a case of too much dump trying to go through too small a hole, and there's no obstetrician to help.
The Alfresco Dump - Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy.
The Childbirth Dump - This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.
The Tijuana Trot Dump - The phrase "Sh*t Happens" really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.
The Machine Gun Dump - You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump - You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem
3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor
The Security Dump - You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this...hum loudly
The Cling-On Dump - For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors
The Houdini Dump - You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? you'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in
The Flu Dump - You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by?
The Porta-Pottie Dump - Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, "Its like taking a shit in an upright coffin". Its claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice...go in a paper cup.
The Proctologist Dump - In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??
The Whole Roll Dump - No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.
The Graffiti Dump - You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave it. Its your choice.
The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.
The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion" you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth...you forget the pain quickly.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)