While most young people his age are pursuing higher education or making other plans to advance their careers, a 22 year-old Santa Cruz California genius was planning to vandalize a local store. According to his carefully crafted plan, the man would splash some green paint on the front doors of The Gap on Pacific Avenue and then make a clean getaway. It was a pretty good plan, as ignorant schemes go, but for one problem. The man was caught after trailing green paint from Pacific Avenue to his home on Mission Street.
Now our young rocket scientist must pay the city's clean-up costs, estimated to be $1,000, pay a $500 fine, serve 200 hours of community service and stay away from downtown.
20050713
Application to date your daughter
Sissy has posted an application so that her father might judge who is fit to date her.
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,
and current medical report from your doctor.
Note: I was adopted, so have no idea what my lineage is, only some clues as to what it isn't. From appearances, there is no african-american, middle-eastern, or asian heritage in my lineage.
NAME: Andrew (Aris Ravencroft) DATE OF BIRTH: 830423
HEIGHT: 5‘8” WEIGHT: 200 IQ: 125 GPA: 3.0
SOCIAL SECURITY #: I am not posting that online
DRIVERS LICENSE: see social security
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES: N/A
HOME ADDRESS: See D.L. CITY/STATE: Grand Rapids ZIP: 49525
Do you have parents? Yes
Is one male and the other female? Yes
If No, explain:
______________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married: 15-16
If less than your age, explain
Mother adopted me while she was single, and married my father when I turned 7, he in turn adopted me when I turned 12.
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? No
B. A truck with oversized tires? No
C. A waterbed? No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? No
E. A tattoo? No
F. Do you have an earring: Used to, still have the hole.
(IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?
I am never late, I hate being late, and I hate when other people are late, in a way, it‘s breaking your word to the person you told you‘d be there at X time.
In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
It means I‘m not going to touch your daughter in any way that would be dishonorable to her.
In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
No sex until marriage, which is fine with me.
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend: Currently searching for a new church
How often you attend: more than once a week
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? Evening before ten
mother? Evening before ten
pastor? During the day
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
Any vital area
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
Neck
C: A woman's place is in the:
If married, then the home, raising kids, of which I would help as is part of my job as a father
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
Ask me anything, I have nothing to hide.
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? Law Enforcement
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
Eyes and/or voice, depending on if I see her first, or hear her first.
F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? No clue.
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
Andrew (Aris Ravencroft)
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
Andrew‘s Southern Belle Momma -- Andrew’s Former Navy Father
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
Paster Bill -- George Walker Bush
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do
not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would
cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
(you might watch your back)
To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating. (coming soon)
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,
and current medical report from your doctor.
Note: I was adopted, so have no idea what my lineage is, only some clues as to what it isn't. From appearances, there is no african-american, middle-eastern, or asian heritage in my lineage.
NAME: Andrew (Aris Ravencroft) DATE OF BIRTH: 830423
HEIGHT: 5‘8” WEIGHT: 200 IQ: 125 GPA: 3.0
SOCIAL SECURITY #: I am not posting that online
DRIVERS LICENSE: see social security
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES: N/A
HOME ADDRESS: See D.L. CITY/STATE: Grand Rapids ZIP: 49525
Do you have parents? Yes
Is one male and the other female? Yes
If No, explain:
______________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married: 15-16
If less than your age, explain
Mother adopted me while she was single, and married my father when I turned 7, he in turn adopted me when I turned 12.
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? No
B. A truck with oversized tires? No
C. A waterbed? No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? No
E. A tattoo? No
F. Do you have an earring: Used to, still have the hole.
(IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?
I am never late, I hate being late, and I hate when other people are late, in a way, it‘s breaking your word to the person you told you‘d be there at X time.
In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
It means I‘m not going to touch your daughter in any way that would be dishonorable to her.
In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
No sex until marriage, which is fine with me.
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend: Currently searching for a new church
How often you attend: more than once a week
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? Evening before ten
mother? Evening before ten
pastor? During the day
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
Any vital area
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
Neck
C: A woman's place is in the:
If married, then the home, raising kids, of which I would help as is part of my job as a father
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
Ask me anything, I have nothing to hide.
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? Law Enforcement
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
Eyes and/or voice, depending on if I see her first, or hear her first.
F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? No clue.
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
Andrew (Aris Ravencroft)
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
Andrew‘s Southern Belle Momma -- Andrew’s Former Navy Father
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
Paster Bill -- George Walker Bush
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do
not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would
cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
(you might watch your back)
To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating. (coming soon)
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