I havn't posted in a good while, but holy crap I must speak out against the travesty below! I must say it has become one of my pet peeves when people embed video that automatically plays on it's own. It's quite common in the wastelands they call 'MySpace' (which, by the way, someone has decided to make a freaking documentary about and I've seen a book based on the retardedness of MySpace. Someone needs to give me lots of money to make stupid books and movies).
Anyways, the other reason I havn't posted is that I am currently jobless but on the hunt. I just passed my LPI Certification today and I'm working towards my A+ and Network+ Certifications. Come to think of, I'm also in college again and probably didn't say anything here. Ah well.
Perhaps I can post some more random nonsense sometime in the near future. Until then.. toodaloo!
20051227
20051222
Throwing Around My Weight
(Pretend Wierd Al's Fat music video is playing here. I know you all have imaginations.)
A lot of people like Amish Paradise, and I have to agree, that it is a great song, however, I feel that Fat is a much better music video.
As it stands, I've slowly started gaining weight, as I haven't kept up with my running. So my goal is that by the summer, I'll be atleast back to 200 lbs-- or atleast able to run 3+ miles at a time again. I'm not sure where my running is at, as I haven't stayed with it. When I was out of shape, I ran a mile and a half in 14:45. Just before I was supposed to ship, I was down to 12:45. I'd like to get that even lower. I plan on participating again this year in the 5th third river bank run, and its never too early to get started with training for that.
A lot of people like Amish Paradise, and I have to agree, that it is a great song, however, I feel that Fat is a much better music video.
As it stands, I've slowly started gaining weight, as I haven't kept up with my running. So my goal is that by the summer, I'll be atleast back to 200 lbs-- or atleast able to run 3+ miles at a time again. I'm not sure where my running is at, as I haven't stayed with it. When I was out of shape, I ran a mile and a half in 14:45. Just before I was supposed to ship, I was down to 12:45. I'd like to get that even lower. I plan on participating again this year in the 5th third river bank run, and its never too early to get started with training for that.
20051219
20051214
More fun quizes
I see myself as a little more of a rogue personality (not always a "nice" guy)
Take the quiz:
What SuPeR HeRo Would You Be?
Superman
You are strong, but a little on the shy side, you are talented. But a word of advice, don't go changing in telephone boths, you can get arrested!
Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!
I've never had any complaints ;)
Take the quiz:
What type of kisser are you?
Good kisser
keep up the good work, never change.
Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!
What SuPeR HeRo Would You Be?
Superman
You are strong, but a little on the shy side, you are talented. But a word of advice, don't go changing in telephone boths, you can get arrested!
Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!
I've never had any complaints ;)
What type of kisser are you?
Good kisser
keep up the good work, never change.
Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!
20051209
A Soldier's Silent Night
I heard this on the radio yesterday on my way to donating plasma. (or as I call it, getting my blood money)
You can listen to it here.
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE.
I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.
I LOOKED ALL ABOUT, A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS, NOT EVEN A TREE.
NO STOCKING BY MANTLE, JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.
WITH MEDALS AND BADGES, AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT CAME THROUGH MY MIND.
FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT, IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER, ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.
THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING, SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.
THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE, THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.
WAS THIS THE HERO OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO, THE FLOOR FOR A BED?
I REALIZED THE FAMILIES THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.
SOON ROUND THE WORLD, THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.
THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS, LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.
I COULDN'T HELP WONDER HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.
THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES AND STARTED TO CRY;
THE SOLDIER AWAKENED AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
"SANTA DON'T CRY, THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;
I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM, I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD, MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."
THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT, I CONTINUED TO WEEP.
I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS, SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.
I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR SO WILLING TO FIGHT.
THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER, WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA, IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."
ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH, AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."
You can listen to it here.
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE.
I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.
I LOOKED ALL ABOUT, A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS, NOT EVEN A TREE.
NO STOCKING BY MANTLE, JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.
WITH MEDALS AND BADGES, AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT CAME THROUGH MY MIND.
FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT, IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER, ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.
THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING, SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.
THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE, THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.
WAS THIS THE HERO OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO, THE FLOOR FOR A BED?
I REALIZED THE FAMILIES THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.
SOON ROUND THE WORLD, THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.
THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS, LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.
I COULDN'T HELP WONDER HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.
THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES AND STARTED TO CRY;
THE SOLDIER AWAKENED AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
"SANTA DON'T CRY, THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;
I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM, I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD, MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."
THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT, I CONTINUED TO WEEP.
I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS, SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.
I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR SO WILLING TO FIGHT.
THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER, WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA, IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."
ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH, AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."
My Sexual IQ, Purity % and My Monty Python Charactor
Okay, its a very short quiz-- so I'm not too sure on the accuracy. I also took a 500 question purity test, and tested at only 68.8% pure.
I'm not sure on the accuracy of this one either, but I'm happy with the result.
Mean lil fellow, arn't you?
What Monty Python Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You have a sexual IQ of 134 When it comes to sex, you are a super genius. You have had a lot of experience, and sex interests you so you know a lot about it. You pride yourself on being a source of information and guidance to all of your friends. Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com |
I'm not sure on the accuracy of this one either, but I'm happy with the result.
Mean lil fellow, arn't you?
What Monty Python Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
20051205
When You Get To Heaven
A man, after living a full life and being the best possible sailor and
proud member of the US Navy, dies. When he got to heaven, St. Peter
was showing him around. They came to a modest little bungalow with a faded Navy Crest in the
window.
"This cottage is yours--yours for ETERNITY," said Peter. "This is very
special and not just anyone gets a home like this up here!"
The Sailor felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On the
way up to the porch, he notices another house just around the corner.
It was a tri-level mansion with a gold carpet rolled along the
pathway, and a 50-foot tall scarlet and gold statue bearing the image
of the Marines' eagle, globe and anchor. Not just this, but every
window bore some sort of Marine paraphernalia!
The Sailor dismally looks at Peter and said, "Peter, I'm not trying to
sound ungrateful, but I have question to ask."
"I was an outstanding citizen, I served 30 years of honest and
faithful service, I did the best I could for the people I came in
contact with!"Peter asked, "So what is your question, my son?"
"Well, why is it that those Marines get a better house than us Navy
chaps?"
..................
Peter chuckles and says, "Silly swabbie, that's God's house!"
proud member of the US Navy, dies. When he got to heaven, St. Peter
was showing him around. They came to a modest little bungalow with a faded Navy Crest in the
window.
"This cottage is yours--yours for ETERNITY," said Peter. "This is very
special and not just anyone gets a home like this up here!"
The Sailor felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On the
way up to the porch, he notices another house just around the corner.
It was a tri-level mansion with a gold carpet rolled along the
pathway, and a 50-foot tall scarlet and gold statue bearing the image
of the Marines' eagle, globe and anchor. Not just this, but every
window bore some sort of Marine paraphernalia!
The Sailor dismally looks at Peter and said, "Peter, I'm not trying to
sound ungrateful, but I have question to ask."
"I was an outstanding citizen, I served 30 years of honest and
faithful service, I did the best I could for the people I came in
contact with!"Peter asked, "So what is your question, my son?"
"Well, why is it that those Marines get a better house than us Navy
chaps?"
..................
Peter chuckles and says, "Silly swabbie, that's God's house!"
20051129
The Leaving Song pt. 1
I may be leaving Grand Rapids, in which case I'll be leaving Michigan altogether. It all boils down to two things, whether or not I decide to drop out of college, and if I do decide to do so, whether or not I can get a better job. If I can't get a better job, I can't afford to stay. So I've got to rethink my options.
20051126
Southern Remedy for Cough and Cold
1 shot whiskey
1 shot lemon juice
1 tablespoon of honey.
put into a coffee cup, fill the rest with steaming hot water-- sip until gone.
1 shot lemon juice
1 tablespoon of honey.
put into a coffee cup, fill the rest with steaming hot water-- sip until gone.
20051124
I need help from the Bad Example Family
I've got a bottle of Chivas Regal, a new bottle of Jack, a bottle of Captain Morgan, and a bottle of the captain's private stock. What I need is a good remedy for a cold-- preferably one that involves atleast one of these drinks.
20051117
Talk Is Cheap
There used to be a time when giving your word meant something. Yes meant yes, and No meant no. There was a time when giving your word was as good as a signed contract, and in some cases, more binding than the signed contract. As for me, I continue to say what I mean, and mean what I say. If I say that I'm going to do something, then I'm going to do it. I don't like words like maybe, or phrases like I'll try. Give me either a yes or a no.
All too often, I watch as people manipulate others with their less than direct words. Or they'll say something and then the things that they do go against what they said. More often than not, its girls who do it to guys. "Oh, I'd love to hang out sometime." And then every time the guy tries to arrange a time to meet, the girl is busy. I'm not saying that guys don't do these kinds of things as well, but they tend to be more direct. And I know that a lot of the time, people do it because they don't want the other person to get hurt.
I hereby request that people start being more direct with each other. Quit trying to protect people from getting hurt, it isn't helping them.
All too often, I watch as people manipulate others with their less than direct words. Or they'll say something and then the things that they do go against what they said. More often than not, its girls who do it to guys. "Oh, I'd love to hang out sometime." And then every time the guy tries to arrange a time to meet, the girl is busy. I'm not saying that guys don't do these kinds of things as well, but they tend to be more direct. And I know that a lot of the time, people do it because they don't want the other person to get hurt.
I hereby request that people start being more direct with each other. Quit trying to protect people from getting hurt, it isn't helping them.
20051115
Filler while I work on a real post
The Dump List, taken from here, can only be called, Highschool Bathroom Humor. But what can I say, I love bathroom humor. Its almost as good Harvey's Love Notes Comments.
The Poop Name List
The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.
The Cable Dump - Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.
The Latrine Dump - In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.
The Mona Lisa Dump - This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.
The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.
The Splash Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed.
Tip: Blot instead of wiping.
The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do
The Caesarian Dump - Pain, that's what this dump and childbirth have in common. Its simply a case of too much dump trying to go through too small a hole, and there's no obstetrician to help.
The Alfresco Dump - Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy.
The Childbirth Dump - This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.
The Tijuana Trot Dump - The phrase "Sh*t Happens" really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.
The Machine Gun Dump - You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump - You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem
3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor
The Security Dump - You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this...hum loudly
The Cling-On Dump - For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors
The Houdini Dump - You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? you'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in
The Flu Dump - You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by?
The Porta-Pottie Dump - Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, "Its like taking a shit in an upright coffin". Its claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice...go in a paper cup.
The Proctologist Dump - In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??
The Whole Roll Dump - No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.
The Graffiti Dump - You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave it. Its your choice.
The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.
The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion" you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth...you forget the pain quickly.
The Poop Name List
The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.
The Cable Dump - Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.
The Latrine Dump - In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.
The Mona Lisa Dump - This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.
The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.
The Splash Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed.
Tip: Blot instead of wiping.
The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do
The Caesarian Dump - Pain, that's what this dump and childbirth have in common. Its simply a case of too much dump trying to go through too small a hole, and there's no obstetrician to help.
The Alfresco Dump - Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy.
The Childbirth Dump - This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.
The Tijuana Trot Dump - The phrase "Sh*t Happens" really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.
The Machine Gun Dump - You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump - You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem
3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor
The Security Dump - You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this...hum loudly
The Cling-On Dump - For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors
The Houdini Dump - You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? you'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in
The Flu Dump - You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by?
The Porta-Pottie Dump - Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, "Its like taking a shit in an upright coffin". Its claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice...go in a paper cup.
The Proctologist Dump - In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??
The Whole Roll Dump - No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.
The Graffiti Dump - You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave it. Its your choice.
The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.
The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion" you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth...you forget the pain quickly.
20051110
The Internet and You
So Tuesday, I'll finally have internet access at my place. At that time, the fun shall begin. maybe.
20051025
Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating. My profile name: custoshonor |
I must say that I feel I am quite cocky/confident . . . But otherwise it's pretty accurate.
20051024
Someone Is Lying To Me
As I may of may not have mentioned, I had not heard from my friend who's boyfriend hits her since Thursday afternoon. Nor had she gone into work that Friday or Saturday. I didn't get to sleep Saturday night until about 05:00, largely due to the fact that I was worried about her. I went in to work on Sunday to purchase some things, and who should I see but that same friend whom had been missing. I went through her line, and asked how she was doing, and if she wanted to go to the police. After a very long pause in answer, in which time she told me that he would get quite angry if he came to pick her up and she wasn't there, she told me that she would like to go. I then set things up so that I would arrive well before her boyfriend should, and also arranged to get her out of work early so as to avoid confrontation. I then left and got a friend of mine (my old roommate) to help in case anything went wrong.
Well, things went wrong. Upon arriving back at work, the Service Coordinator asked me if I knew where the girl was, as she had gone on break and didn't come back, this being a half an hour ago. We then searched the store and didn't find her. I called her cell, and recieved no answer. My only possible clue was a phone number that had called my cellphone that I didn't recognize. Upon doing a reverse phone search, I got the address, and my friend and I drove there in his car (his car is much faster than my truck) with the idea of taking her to the police station if that was indeed where she was at. I recognized her car in the driveway, and knocked on the door, but recieved no answer. I then called the number which had called me, using caller ID blocker, and an older woman answered the phone. I explained who I was, and what the situation was, and asked to speak to the girl. I was not permitted to do so, and was informed that she was not being abused (she can leave whenever she wants) had called them on her break, and was terrified of me, having them come and get her at work. After a bit more discussion, I left it that I would no longer try to contact her, and that she knew how to reach me if she needed to. This message was conveyed to the girl, who they told me said, "fine."
I don't know if she's the one lying, or if they are. If its her, she's doing a damned good job of it, because there are people who think she's being abused who haven't even talked to her about it.
Either way, I feel used and made a fool of.
"Life's a dance you learn as you go, sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow. Don't worry about what you don't know. Life's a dance you learn as you go."
-John Michael Montgomery
What happened to the life I thought I signed up for?
Well, things went wrong. Upon arriving back at work, the Service Coordinator asked me if I knew where the girl was, as she had gone on break and didn't come back, this being a half an hour ago. We then searched the store and didn't find her. I called her cell, and recieved no answer. My only possible clue was a phone number that had called my cellphone that I didn't recognize. Upon doing a reverse phone search, I got the address, and my friend and I drove there in his car (his car is much faster than my truck) with the idea of taking her to the police station if that was indeed where she was at. I recognized her car in the driveway, and knocked on the door, but recieved no answer. I then called the number which had called me, using caller ID blocker, and an older woman answered the phone. I explained who I was, and what the situation was, and asked to speak to the girl. I was not permitted to do so, and was informed that she was not being abused (she can leave whenever she wants) had called them on her break, and was terrified of me, having them come and get her at work. After a bit more discussion, I left it that I would no longer try to contact her, and that she knew how to reach me if she needed to. This message was conveyed to the girl, who they told me said, "fine."
I don't know if she's the one lying, or if they are. If its her, she's doing a damned good job of it, because there are people who think she's being abused who haven't even talked to her about it.
Either way, I feel used and made a fool of.
"Life's a dance you learn as you go, sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow. Don't worry about what you don't know. Life's a dance you learn as you go."
-John Michael Montgomery
What happened to the life I thought I signed up for?
20051019
Update
I haven't posted in a while, partly due to the fun that is moving in to a new place, partly due to not having internet at my new place, and partly because so much has been happening that I just couldn't make time. So as it stands, here's what's happened in the life of the good Reverend:
I started hanging out with a coworker who had told me she was 18, and things seemed to be going well. I then found out from one of my slightly higher ups that she wasn't 18, that she was 17. I don't know about other states, but in Michigan, that kind of thing is frowned upon. Now, there wasn't anything to actually worry about, as we didn't have sex, and that's where the law has a problem with it.
That she had lied to me didn't have the normal affect it would usually have on me-- I usually would end a relationship of any kind after someone has lied to me. or at the very least, whatever trust I had given them would no longer be given. However, in this case, I didn't care. Come to find out later that she had started seeing another co-worker, saying the same thing, and found out that she and I were never actually dating, which was fine with me. I fel sorry for my co-worker, as he now has to deal with her, and she thinks that she and him are dating (Ahh the drama that unfolds at Meijer)
Came to realize that I didn't care that she lied, or that we weren't dating, because I love another girl, whom I had thoroughly burned a bridge with and can't contact anymore.
In other news, I began focusing on a new cashier at meijer, and we hung out last night. I knew that she had a boyfriend, and that he was/is very controlling. What I found out last night was that he hits her. I had her stay the night, and today before she left, she promised she would go to the police. I'm going to talk with her again tonight, and if she hasn't gone to the police yet, then I'll take her myself tomorrow.
Life has been interesting these past few weeks. I sometimes feel that God is using me for his own amusement, but that's okay, because I'm laughing too.
I started hanging out with a coworker who had told me she was 18, and things seemed to be going well. I then found out from one of my slightly higher ups that she wasn't 18, that she was 17. I don't know about other states, but in Michigan, that kind of thing is frowned upon. Now, there wasn't anything to actually worry about, as we didn't have sex, and that's where the law has a problem with it.
That she had lied to me didn't have the normal affect it would usually have on me-- I usually would end a relationship of any kind after someone has lied to me. or at the very least, whatever trust I had given them would no longer be given. However, in this case, I didn't care. Come to find out later that she had started seeing another co-worker, saying the same thing, and found out that she and I were never actually dating, which was fine with me. I fel sorry for my co-worker, as he now has to deal with her, and she thinks that she and him are dating (Ahh the drama that unfolds at Meijer)
Came to realize that I didn't care that she lied, or that we weren't dating, because I love another girl, whom I had thoroughly burned a bridge with and can't contact anymore.
In other news, I began focusing on a new cashier at meijer, and we hung out last night. I knew that she had a boyfriend, and that he was/is very controlling. What I found out last night was that he hits her. I had her stay the night, and today before she left, she promised she would go to the police. I'm going to talk with her again tonight, and if she hasn't gone to the police yet, then I'll take her myself tomorrow.
Life has been interesting these past few weeks. I sometimes feel that God is using me for his own amusement, but that's okay, because I'm laughing too.
20051003
20050926
Let The Fun Begin
I've been keeping this to myself. Well, I've told a few people, but no one in the blog family knows. I was evicted from my current residence "for the safety of the other tenants." This despite the fact that it was the house manager who decided to describe various ways he wanted to hurt me. Despite the fact that I never once threatened anyone in this house. I don't like how the owners handled it. They kicked me out without first hearing my side of things. Didn't even bother to ask the other roommates. On the word of only one person, I'm getting kicked out. So I've found a new place to live. I likely won't have internet much longer, as I refuse to do the chores at a place I've been kicked out of. So wreak havic in the comments. I need something to read when I get back.
Can God Create A Rock So Big That He Can't Lift It?
So I was googling the title of Oolom Caloophid's second book in his trilogy of philosophical blockbusters, Some More of God's Greatest Mistakes, and I came accross this discussion thread, which poses the question you see in the title. Upon reading some of the responses, this one struck me as the funniest, and I thought I'd share it with you. Yes, I do have too much free time. No, I don't need to be given something to do.
"Wow. I had never considered such a question before? Is it possible? Is it paradox? Does it imply a limit to omnipotence or an omnipotence that transcends logic? Think of the ramifications?
If God could do that, could he make himself forget that he had done it?
If the rock was too heavy for Him, could God create another being strong enough to lift it?
If the other being did lift it, could God make the rock heavier and squash him?
If God did that, which would be kind of mean, really, would he feel guilty?
If He did feel guilty, could he change the way he truly felt?
If He could change the way He truly felt, could he just give himself eternal psychic orgasms?
If God could give himself eternal psychic orgasms, would each one be as good as th efirst or would they get old after a while?
If eternal psychic orgasms get old after a while, could God just vibrate the Universe, you know, just until the right deity came along?"
"Wow. I had never considered such a question before? Is it possible? Is it paradox? Does it imply a limit to omnipotence or an omnipotence that transcends logic? Think of the ramifications?
If God could do that, could he make himself forget that he had done it?
If the rock was too heavy for Him, could God create another being strong enough to lift it?
If the other being did lift it, could God make the rock heavier and squash him?
If God did that, which would be kind of mean, really, would he feel guilty?
If He did feel guilty, could he change the way he truly felt?
If He could change the way He truly felt, could he just give himself eternal psychic orgasms?
If God could give himself eternal psychic orgasms, would each one be as good as th efirst or would they get old after a while?
If eternal psychic orgasms get old after a while, could God just vibrate the Universe, you know, just until the right deity came along?"
20050925
Wounds Run Deep -- and now I myself am Chasing Amy.
See previous post for Silent Bob's story about Amy if you need the Chasing Amy reference. His story is similar to mine only in that we both fucked up.
Why is it that when someone close to us hurts us deeply; to the point of ripping our heart to shreds, even if they didn't mean to-- Why is it we do the one thing that makes it worse for us? Why is it always that that one thing seems like the best choice?
I made a mistake, and I can't take it back. I meant what I said. I still felt betrayed, and it felt like they didn't really mean what they had told me-- their actions told me completely different things than what their words did. I always thought that I could override my heart with logic. It's amazing how logical the heart can sound in times of pain and hurt. I thought that since the thoughts I had weren't resultant from anger that they were from my mind, and not my heart. I felt like I had been betrayed, and it was probably just my imagination, but I did the worst thing I could think of-- I broke a promise and betrayed them. Their betrayal, if that's really what it was, did not deserve the response I gave. I screwed up, and now I'm going to pay the price for it.
Why is it that when someone close to us hurts us deeply; to the point of ripping our heart to shreds, even if they didn't mean to-- Why is it we do the one thing that makes it worse for us? Why is it always that that one thing seems like the best choice?
I made a mistake, and I can't take it back. I meant what I said. I still felt betrayed, and it felt like they didn't really mean what they had told me-- their actions told me completely different things than what their words did. I always thought that I could override my heart with logic. It's amazing how logical the heart can sound in times of pain and hurt. I thought that since the thoughts I had weren't resultant from anger that they were from my mind, and not my heart. I felt like I had been betrayed, and it was probably just my imagination, but I did the worst thing I could think of-- I broke a promise and betrayed them. Their betrayal, if that's really what it was, did not deserve the response I gave. I screwed up, and now I'm going to pay the price for it.
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